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Pretending to not be the persecutor in front of people who hate me GET ME OUT OF HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Does anyone know of good communities on Tumblr or Discord for plurality that are 100% anti sy.smed, preferably pro endo as well. I’m not endo or anything I just don’t like any form of gatekeeping. Sy.smeds have srsly given me a lot of self doubt and have scared me away from the plural community as a whole. But I’m having a really rough time trying to figure out sys stuff by myself and I think I would benefit from some support. And I’m also trying to learn to be more social in general

I need to unlearn my internalized ADHD ableism. Sadly, I faced a lot of it externally, so it stuck with me. I need to learn it’s ok to use my limited energy on things I enjoy doing (when I can ofc, work + responsibilities come first for me). I need to learn that I’m not lazy for having low energy, or for being slower than others. I need to learn that giving 100% DOES mean I’m working hard, regardless of what my 100% is compared to my peers. I need to learn that my failures aren’t because I didn’t try hard enough, or that I didn’t put in enough effort. I need to learn so many things. I need to unlearn many others as well. It’s going to be hard, but I want to stop hating myself. I didn’t choose to have ADHD, or to feel chronically burnt-out for years, but I can choose to still value myself. Somehow. I don’t know how I’ll get there, but I want to work towards it. I will work towards it.

I’m jealous of Covid conscious people who don’t feel bothered by the stares and rude comments. I only really mask at my job and the customers are so mean about it, I don’t know why they care what I choose to wear. I have to mask, I catch sickness far more often than the average person, it’s not like I just feel like it. It’s not like I enjoy having people take pictures of me and glare at me and leave reviews under my jobs page to complain about a strip of fabric on my face. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck it, and stop masking, but I don’t know if I could move on if I develop long covid from that decision

Alex Stardew they could never make me hate you

Worst part of being the persecutor + anger holder is knowing how much shit is my fault. Like, it’s because of me that the whole is viewed by others as a mean and hateful person. Every time we had a friendship end on bad terms it was because of me. The others got to have that “oh I’m not a bad person, because it’s not me” realization when we realized we’re plural, meanwhile I got confirmation that I’m not only a bad person, I literally exist to be a bad person. And like, fuck. I don’t know what I can do about it. I don’t know how I can reverse any of the damage I’ve done to us and our reputation

Actually insane how much my mental health improves on days I don’t work. I know nobody likes to work, but my current job is straight up extremely unhealthy for me. I’m going to start taking classes soon, really hoping I can switch to part time work then. If not I might just straight up quit to focus on education, it won’t be fun to be unemployed but at least I would still have a goal to focus on