#@dick

“I heard you were really innocent and pure like up til right before junior year”

True. What changed me? There’s @dick for sure. And then there’s @bitch. And then I realize most of the drama I went through traces back to the latter. Damn. O well. That’s for a different time.

Freshmen and sophomore year I was too focused on my depression and “fragility” that I had no time for feelings. I see now that it was very obvious when certain boys liked me, but I didn’t even realize then. I had no clue bc I was so obsessed over being sad and how miserable I am. I didn’t even listen to sayings like “I know you’re sad, so I won’t try to force my feelings onto you now. But I get first dibs on you junior year” (but really wtf u called dibs on me u think I’m a product goddem no wonder u didn’t even try after I changed) or “you are so lovely and you make me so happy” or even “the girl I’ve been talking/thinking about is you.” All I remembered were words like “my friends think I should give you a chance to be with me” or “I only liked you for your body” or “you are too young to understand.” (Thanks oppa esp for naming your cute adorable MALE cat after my pet name real nice I hate you)

Then the summer before junior year happened. I felt like I could finally open up now that the majority of sources of sadness disappeared (graduated lmao). I trusted a boy back for the first time in forever (pro tip - do not rekindle old flames), and then he left me disappointed again (should have kissed me instead of just sitting on a rock for so long)

And then I changed. I wanted to show him, and all the other sources of sadness that I am better. I started to shield myself, with sass, makeup, and even facial expressions. I was genuinely happy, especially after several things like section leader, chamber, and 1st chair. They were little things, but I was so very excited. I felt like I could finally feel confident. That I deserved it. I wanted to believe in myself, and that’s why I changed.

With the said boy I exchanged almost everything I’ve wanted eventually the next 2 years, but sometimes I wonder if it was even worth it. The end of junior year was, with all honesty, more emotionally draining than any other year. Once you get physical it’s harder to let go, I guess. Whenever we had our downs (which went down deep) I felt so worthless. I remember thinking ‘the same boy left me so many times maybe I am actually not worth it’ and flashing to him everytime a different boy tried to flirt with me. I remember when the NorCal scrub (after sending me an unwanted dick pic and seeing enraged Olivia) said ‘you miss your ex and you’re mad bc I remind you of him.’ In reality, everything reminded me of him, esp bc we shared so many memories and firsts. But I was happy whenever I was with you in person, during our ups (which were pretty good) and I didn’t want time to end.

Now that it’s almost all over, I wonder what would have happened if I had done things just a little differently. If the boy had done things a little differently. I remember my friends telling me a bit after Reno that I look/sound so much better now that I’m free from him (Sike u know what brings me back to you and you use it well). But you know you have the power when the boy spends a lot of time with you doing things he doesn’t particularly enjoy bc he knows you enjoy them so very much. When he (tries to) not do the things that make you so angry, although his life is full of it. When he appreciates you, and you feel so so so loved. And i thank you for that.

I wish we both find someone we will truly love in the future. Maybe one day I’ll stop flashing to your face whenever things happen.