#:love

                       dear,  Hanbyul. 

my darling boy. you are and always have been everything i’m looking for. collected, understanding, good vibes and a sexy body. a similar take on what’s fun and what’s serious; you get my humor and even better, you get me, when so few do. you have a knack for making me feel not only important, but wanted. my company has never once, in all the years i’ve known you, seemed like a burden to you. you always greet me so enthusiastically and seem so grounded when we have to say goodbye. you’ve never made me feel unworthy, annoying, or like a nuisance, like other’s have. 

I shouldn’t compare you to other’s, though. You’re nothing like anybody else. You, you are not perfect, and maybe not even perfect to me; but you are perfect for me. we’re compatible in such strange ways, ways that make sense only to us. You’re the sun that warms my back, the stars that guide me home every night. You’re my calm, drizzling rain and my thunderstorm of passion. 

Whenever you’re around, I get so happy that everything else - doubts, troubles, sadness - becomes pale and wimpy by comparison. You’re the reason, every reason, and I love you. 

These past few months may be one of the worst moments of my life. Thanks to my overthinking mind and baseless assumptions, I screwed everything up.

 It all started with jealousy and it started out, good. By good I mean, no one was harmed. So (maybe) my very intelligent brain thought that it is okay for me to do this and that. I said I'm sorry to the person affected when we talked about it and it turned out okay.

But what my VERY SMART-ASS Brain did was, to over think more, be more jealous, forget about the academics shit and focus on thinking the different assumptions I made, and make me irritable.

 Then things one by one started to shatter. The persons involved got sick of my "emo-dramatic-super-affected" attitude. But it didn't stop there, it got worse.

 Since I was so irritable, I have done things never in my life I imagined doing it all for the sake of love.  And the circle started to expand more and more and more people that are close to me are starting to leave me. It's like they are already sick and tired of giving me advices (which I TRIED to do! Promise!) and helping me move on.

And soon, that "love" became hate. It was not good. I despised them, I became more irritable whenever I see them, and I thought of making their life more miserable. This was not the love that I expected.

 I also realized that with everything I did, they became closer and closer with each other. It is not impossible that someday they become a couple.

 Now, I have to make up and clean the mess I made. It sure is not easy knowing that I made a lot of mistakes and I ruined my own image. I am now in the process of removing that "hate" and returning it back to "love". We were great friends once, and I hope I will gain that friendship back again. But that will take time.

 They were never the problem. I was so immature and mad that I blamed everything to them. I am so ashamed now that I lost a great friendship all because of my stupid brain.