Lay down Your Arms
(This is poorly written, so excuse that please🙏🏻)
It was silly, really. How everything started. You knew it wasn't his fault. How a fan jumped up on stage and kissed him. You knew it made him just uncomfortable as it made you. Hell, it made him more uncomfortable since he was the one being violated! But still, when you’re dating the frontman of one of the biggest bands in the world, and your boyfriend has become the crush for many women all over the country, you couldn't help but feel…insecure? Not good enough? You weren't really sure. But you did know you didn't feel good enough sometimes. And to stand at the side of the stage, and watch another woman kiss your boyfriend and not be able to do anything made you realise you weren't in control. Not of Eddie anyway.
So here you were, on the tour bus, sharing the bunk with Eddie. You had been quiet for the rest of the day. Eddie knew something was up. Everyone in the band knew something was up. But you didn't budge. No matter how many pleading looks Eddie gave you, how long he kept his arms wrapped around him, you couldn't bring yourself to tell him what had got you so upset. You knew you couldn't talk about such matters unless you were alone. And since the band was stuck in a tour bus for the next week, you knew alone time was going to be scarce. Maybe by the time you two could properly talk, the whole situation would have been blown over your head, and you could make up some bullshit lie to Eddie to keep him satisfied. But that's not how Eddie was thinking. How could you expect him to? You were his sunshine ever since the first time he had laid eyes on you. And that light only grew brighter as you two started talking, getting closer, until eventually he asked you out. So when his sunshine turned to a grey cloud, he couldn't bear it.
When you had gotten into the bunk to sleep for the night, you lay facing away from him. A small goodnight, then you shut your eyes. Eddie sighed, and opted with just holding you from behind. You let him hold you, hoping if you stayed deadly still and silent he wouldn't say anything. But of course he did. Not right away. No, he knew you better than that. He had known ever since he got off stage that something was up. He also knew you wouldn't like the idea of the rest of the band potentially hearing your conversation, whatever it may be. So he waited, listening to hear everyone's breathing slow down, then waited some more. You though, you were still awake. He could hear how your breath hitch every now and again, and he could already feel that this was going to be a hard conversation.
Finally, Eddie became sure that everyone else was asleep. So he repositioned himself in the bunk behind you, just to let you know that he was awake. His hands wrapped around your middle tapped lightly on the fabric of your shirt. An old band tee from when you were a teen. When you two had first started dating, Eddie would tease you with silly banter revolving around the tee shirt. “I bet you love them more than Pearl Jam.” Eddie couldn't even smile at that thought, because he knew that for the past 6 hours or so, you had been silently miserable.
“Darlin, you okay?” He asked softly, his head resting on the pillow close behind your head. He could just smell the scent of your hair. Sometimes, the smell of your shampoo would stick to your clothes, making the scent even more intense. He wondered if your scent was going to end up taking over the whole cabin. He hoped so. He took in a deep breath as he listened to your own breathing. Shorter, shallower. He could sense that you were fighting to decide whether to tell the truth or lie,
“‘M fine.” Guess you went for the lie. Eddie had an inkling that you would go for that. You always did. He let out another sigh, and you squeezed your eyes shut. Eddie slowly slid his arm that was wrapped around the underside of you out from under you, and propped himself up on his elbow so he was laying on his side. He used his other hand to reach up and move a few strands of hair out of your face, and tucked it behind your ear. He leaned down to plant a small kiss to your cheek.
“Come on Doll, I know that's not true.” he mumbled against your cheek, his breath hot on your skin. You shivered, and brought your hands up to rest on your mouth. You felt Eddie move closer to your body, and you wish you could forget that the lady had ever gotten up on stage and kissed him. Because right at this moment you knew you were gonna cry, and that isn't how you wanted to spend a tour with your boyfriend. You were meant to be enjoying yourselves, making great memories and doing stupid shit that was going to put stupiud smiles on your faces. But here you were, feeling miserable, not only because of how you felt, but because you knew Eddie was miserable as well.
“Come on, you know you can tell me.” Eddie almost pleaded, and that's all you could take. You started crying. One of your hands slipped up to your eyes, not so much wiping away the tears, but just covering them up. You heard Eddie deflate behind you. This was too much. You had basically been denying Eddie any sort of acknowledgement since his performance, and yet he still cared about you. You awkwardly yet purposely turned in the cabin til you were facing Eddie, then shoved your face into his chest, hoping it would muffle your sobs. Eddie's hands immediately came to wrap around you, and after a bit of awkward shuffling, he ended up on his back, with you held tightly to his chest.
“Oh Darlin, it's okay. I've got you.” His voice, deep and low, yet loving , helped sooth you. You laid on his chest, your arms loosely resting at his sides, gently scrunching the fabric of his top at his ribs. This was nice. This is what you needed.But you knew Eddie deserved an explanation. Maybe he’d tell you how stupid you were being, and you’d realise that you were being stupid, and you’d laugh about this, and-
“Darlin, what's got you all worked up like this? You’ve got me worried.” Eddie's voice was filmed with a pleading you don't think you’d ever heard in the duration of your relationship. His voice would get quiet and soft, yet so much deeper than his average talking voice at night. When it was just you two, Eddie liked to get nice and vulnerable with you. He especially liked it when you were vulnerable with him, and he had started to pick up on your closed in nature. He got it, he was like that too. He tries not to be, but sometimes it's hard. So he took his time with you.And he found, eventually, you would open up.
“It's silly.” You whispered, turning your head a bit to the side, so now your ear was right against his heart. His beat was slow, and calming. Your eyes opened, and you got an eye full of the darkness. You couldn't see him, but Eddie was there. Holding you. And it was calming. You felt so safe, and deep down you knew it wasn't silly. You had the right to feel like this, to feel the way you do. But you didn't have the right to keep Eddie in the dark. Well, you did, but it wouldn't be fair. Not when he had been vulnerable with you so many times before. Eddie's fingers started to trace small light circles on your back.
“It's not silly if it's upset you, sweet girl.” God his voice was something else. So deep, yet so soft. And you knew you could believe everything that came out of his lips. You closed your eyes again, concentrating on the way his fingers felt on your back. How calming this whole situation would be if it wasn't for the conversation topic. You took a shaky breath.
“It's just,” you took another breath. You told yourself Eddie needed to know, so you kept going.
“When that lady jumped up on stage,” you could feel Eddie's breath on the top of your head falter. He knew what this was about now. Of course, he should have known.
“And kissed you, I just…I don't know. I just felt like I wasn't good enough for you. There's so many women out there that are prettier than me, smarter than me, less insecure than me. It made me realise that you could leave me whenever you want to, and I wouldn't be able to stop it.” You closed your lips after that. There was probably a bit more you could have told him. Tell him about each and every one of your insecurities, all the little fears of him leaving you for this musician, or that model. But at this moment, you only told what you felt comfortable telling. Eddie was silent. His hands on you stilled, and suddenly the cabin was completely silent.
“You’re not gonna leave me, are you?” You asked after too much silence. You barely got the words out of your lips. It felt like such a taboo thing to be asking him, but yet here you were. You heard Eddie take a deep breath, and you wondered whether he was actually gonna say yes. “Of course not Darlin.” His voice was croaky. It made him sound like he’d been crying. Maybe he had been. After all, you couldn't see him. But you were sure you’d have heard it if he had been crying.
“What that lady did, I wish she never had.” You could feel him go tense underneath you. You knew that he was the one violated, he needed just as much comfort as you did. You brought your hands up to hold onto his cheeks in the dark, feeling his smooth soft skin.
“I'm sorry she did that to you, Eds.” You said quietly,hoping your voice didn't quiver too much. His hands started their little circles again, but this time slower and wider. He let out a shaky breath, the air fanning your forehead slightly, a few strands of hair falling on your forehead.
“I love you, you know?” Eddie whispered ever so softly after a long pause. Your hands on his cheeks moved to bury themselves in his thick brown curls at the back of his head. You lifted your head, even though you wouldn't be able to see him. You awkwardly, in the small space, shuffled yourself further up his body, leaning on your elbows either side of his neck to look at him. Your face was just in front of his, and as your eyes adjusted to the dark light, you could just see his face. There he was, your Eddie, with his cheeks wet. So he had been crying. ‘Of course I do.” You croaked, a despairing sound. You could see him close his eyes, and slightly shake his head.
“I wouldn't want anyone but you.” He paused, and you dropped your lips to kiss each of his wet cheeks slowly. Oh how you wish he never had to go through that. How you wish you weren't affected. But here you both were, silently crying in a small bus cabin.
“I feel safe around you, Doll. You make me feel so safe.” Eddie swallowed, before opening his eyes again. You two gazed into each other's wet eyes, not saying anything. Just soaking in each other's touches, words, and breaths. You were both in your little world in your heads, yet you were in the same world in that cabin. And that's how it was always going to be. You would have your thoughts, and he would have his. Sometimes you would talk about them, but sometimes you would keep something for yourselves. But the one thing that would remain constant was the trust. You two trusted that you’d tell each other if anything negative was happening inside your heads. And as you two finally connected lips in that small, silent cabin, late late after a show, you knew that that was how it was always going to be. As long as you two were together.
