Sep 9, 2017
i should've known that joining this team and wearing a dress as a costume would make me dysphoric yet i fucking did it anyway and now i'm just here and wallowing in my dysphoria
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i should've known that joining this team and wearing a dress as a costume would make me dysphoric yet i fucking did it anyway and now i'm just here and wallowing in my dysphoria
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9.8.17
It's been so long since I've had a crush on someone new. I forget this anxiety of worrying whether they like me, whether I'm being clingy, whether I should text them or not, whether I should worry...etc. I mean, I'm 100% aware of the irrationality. I'm not sitting in the anxiety... but it's just a weird feeling I'm not used to. Both simultaneously nervous and happy... and when I do see his name in my notifications there's butterflies in my stomach... I'm like a 12 yo just ignore me xD
I just wanna be successful and happy!
I wanna raise happy healthy kids that are full of love and light and joy.
I want a lasting, happy marriage with the loml.
I want to feel fulfilled in my career (or lack thereof)
I want to be close with God and let him lead me where he wants me to go.
I want this all so badly.
But anything worth having takes time and work, so that's what I'm doing.
fear
an emotion attached to my irrational feelings towards my mother. why does the mere thought of her coming home upset me?
De-stress.
Do it. Extract Sighs from my lips while you part my Thighs. Remember, I need your all. Your Everything. Sip from my overflowing cup and Set me aflame. -K. Alecia
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
9.8.17 — thoughts on sharing ED history with new friends
So S, this boy I have a crush on, asked me if I had a job outside of my school job (SI). I told him I teach swim lessons, and he asked if I swam in high school. I did! and it turns out so did he. He started asking me about times and favorite strokes, and I asked him if he swam club and high school or just high school. He said just high school, wbu, and I told him I swam club for a long time. He goes wow the people on my team who swam club were like really good, like got scholarships and stuff. And I was faced with a hard reality—if I'd been able to swim all through high-school I too would have been eligible for a swim scholarship (not a top one but I know people who got swim scholarships who weren't faster than me so it was def possible).
Anyways, back to S, I responded to him and told him, yeah I probably could've if I kept swimming through high school. And he asked why I stopped. I said health with a shrug, but I know he's getting curious bcos he already knows I didn't finish my first semester bcos of "health" and he knows I was in the ER last week (which probably isn't related but he probably thinks it is). So soonish I'll probably end up telling him the full story as I see him Monday-Thursday and we ride the train together now. I hate telling people bcos I don't want my ED to be what defines me, yet it has influenced me so much, anyone who knows me well kinda has to know about it to really understand who I am as a person and how I got here. I don't think he's the type to judge me, but I also don't know how much he knows about ED's in general, and even well intentioned ignorance is stressful to deal with. It's fine, it'll be fine. He's extremely smart and intuitive, so I'm not really worried it'll turn badly, I just know either way it's gunna be stressful and not easy. My history with an eating disorder is not a secret. I don't purposefully hide it at all, and I even wear NEDA shirts sometimes—but it's also something I take serious and I don't want to just blab about it to everyone for no reason (I did that in high school... was definitely attention seeking). At this point though, I'm not attention seeking, so I just want to be thoughtful and careful about how I tell people/if I tell people.