#9.26.22

i was broken before all of it. that's the real kicker, i never stood a fucking chance. it's so easy to forget that, get caught up in all the trauma that came after. the fucked-up-ed-ness of my family and my grief and my abuse. because i'm still flinching. but i was like this before any of that. that's how it started, remember? a chemical imbalance that fucked up a perfectly good ten year old. and that's something to be angry about now, a neon sign flashing validation. here's something to be angry about. cry for the child who didn't get a choice, cry for her, she didn't know what was wrong. she didn't have a reason to be broken, it just happened one day. and there wasn't a why so maybe she made one. maybe that's why it happened. maybe it all got mixed up and there was always going to be all this hurt and i just started feeling it early. i don't believe in destiny, but maybe that's why it's fucking me over. there's no “before” to go back to and that's something to be angry about, too. it's not fair, none of it is fucking fair, it should have been kind. i deserved for it to be kind.

i want to make a little scrapbook of us :3