#8.18.2014

Dear Kates,

Today was one of those days where I really wanted to throw in the towel at Stadium View. I worked all weekend and came in, still, to a myriad of problems and a superbly cranky boss and I had it up to here two minutes after I walked in the door at 7:30. I could say that I tried really hard to keep it in perspective that I should be thankful for a job to be frustrated over, period, or that I prayed for some patience and asked the Good Lord kindly to grant me a longer rope than I had, but those would both be lies. I didn't keep that perspective, and I didn't say a prayer.

I let myself be thoroughly cranky until about 3 in the afternoon when an early move in by the name of Brianne came in and delivered chocolate bars to us for being so kind to her and getting her in early when she moved up from Texas. All in all, we didn't do anything, really, but being recognized for doing something correctly, instead of many of the other residents who singularly highlight everything we do wrong, meant the world.

It had me thinking for the rest of the day about the human tendency to only see what individuals fail at versus what they do correctly; its just so easy to take the shortcomings of others personally and use that as a catalyst to justify whatever other anger or angst we have going on in our lives and build upon that one misgiving until you've convinced yourself it's actually their mistake you're angry at instead of your own internal battle. I do this too often, and that's bad. Really bad. 

I think this is what broke Brendan and I up. Slowly, and over time, I let what he couldn't do for me, give me, or be for me outshine everything he did, provided, and was for me. It was easier to pick at small shortcomings and make them into big deals because it made me feel justified in the attention it got me from him. Between classes and work and everything else in his life, there wasn't much time to give to me, which in hindsight I understand, even if it's still hard to admit that, but sure enough if there was an argument you bet we would pay attention to one another. And after you make up, there's that instantaneous but fleeting burst of affection. Wash, rinse, repeat, and then we were no more and the bad broke the good. I know you know it's all a lot more complicated than that, but that's certainly part of it.

I fail at this all day every day, but I do try, and will try, to get better at this.