Apr 16, 2020
Briana via her IG | August 15, 2016
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Briana via her IG | August 15, 2016
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my feelings on my inability to feel connected to others and the longing to belong somewhere and feel loved back.
I know that I have people who care about me and love me. My mom, the rest of my family, Ariel . . . but is it wrong that it doesn’t feel like it is enough?
I don’t know if it is just pure fantasy . . . you know -- just a myth -- but I really want to be able to open up to someone and be able to be 100% of myself in front of them and have them accept me for everything that I am.
I duno . . . it just seems like maybe the thing I want doesn’t really exist. Maybe you can’t open up to anyone fully 100% and I’m just being too naive and delusional.
I have a problem with romanticizing everything, so that doesn’t help either.
I don’t feel like I truly belong anywhere and so I hold myself back from even trying to maybe getting close to somebody.
It’s a terribly lonely way to live your life but the one I’m accustomed to the most.
I honestly can’t think of much reason for someone to want to willingly take an interest in me and put in effort to be my company.
My only redeemable quality seems to be my codependency forming habits of putting the other person first before myself until the point of it being a super unhealthy relationship and that’s why I refuse to let myself get close to anyone
***
I just finished listening to my step dad give me advice that I didn’t ask for.
He asked me if I, “was taking a vacation away from life.”
And all I could think was aren’t vacations suppose to make you feel better? More relaxed and less stressed? Because if this time right now is considered vacation then I want out.
I hate this.
Maybe I am being a whiny brat who feels too entitled but all I can think about is how now body asks to be born and how it’s so fucked up how much society expects from you without showing in sign of needing help or weakness.
That’s why I swore to myself I’d never bring a life into this world.
For what?
To go to school for 12+ years only to get accepted into college to go into debt and then spend the rest of your life trying to pay off your debt at a job you fucking hate but can’t quit because you can’t and what you went to college for doesn’t have jobs. And all you can think about is how wtf was the point of being able to pick the career path you want if it all leads to nowhere.
You only prevail and strive if you sale out yourself and use others to get to the top.
My step dad said it’s a constantly struggle and competition and feels like a war. And the playing grounds aren’t even and I’m already struggling to win the war inside my mind.
And they make you grow up thinking you want this cookie cutter image life and if you don’t fit that image then something must be wrong with you and not the other way around.
And I absolutely hate it and fuck I just want to cry and quit and I feel so fucking trapped all the time and all I can do is numb myself and find distractions and it’s all so exhausting.
Although, I had a dream that me, Steven, Krystal, and Kurt was at some party, like I don't know where or how we got there but anyways. Halfway through Krystal disappeared and Kurt did to and I went up to Steven and was like "where's Krystal?" And he didn't know so I asked "where's Kurt" and he was like "oh I saw him go into some room with a girl..he probably has his tongue down her throat....they're probably gonna fuck too" .... ........ ... ........ .... ............. ... STEVEN FUCKING SAVAGE LIKE THAT DIDNT HURT MY FEELINGS AT ALL. Now I can't stop thinking about how Kurt possibly could've dropped me for someone else he just didn't want to tell me, and I do plan on confronting him but I want it to be just us. I just want to know if he dumped me bc he got tired of me or if he did it because of someone else. It's give me different reasons to talk or to ignore him.
Romanticize the hell outta life
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Is it bad that I want to go back to school? Because I do I mean we literally just went back and now we have a week long break from school because of the floods. I feel bad for people who have to start over their lives at the drop of a dime just because of this one thing. For some people it will take years for them to get back where they were before the flood financially.
fingernails
my fingernails crack
under the pressure exuded
by bright noise
the clicking of my brain
at night is the impetus
of and for my bitter
lungs rhythmic waves
control the tremors contained
within my fingernails
as I watch them break
-r.l.
Emotions pass. Ride the wave. This shall pass. You'll be fine. I'll be fine. We'll all be fine. Then we won't be again, but then we will be again. Enjoy the positive moments and remember the negative will pass.