#8-23-16

I am obscenely disgusted by the idea of humans needing or wanting love, affection, gentleness, garbage like that.

I don’t understand it, the words alone make my goddamn skin crawl. I think the worst of it might be the inability to communicate this to anybody, friend or medical provider, without the assumption that I feel this way due to trauma or fear of commitment due to being heartbroken in the past, or something like that. Some sob story about a “wounded bad boy putting up walls but he’s so sad inside” so they can jerk themselves off while they cry. It’s not that deep fam. Wipe your putrid tears off your cock.

I can’t remember a time before this. It’s grown stronger over the years though, from casual acceptance, to disinterest, to discomfort, to flat out revulsion. Probably fueled primarily by spite that I seem to be the only one. As well as growing sick of people forcing their feelings on me and blaming me for my lack of reciprocation, like its a possibility for me and they’re not an obnoxious goddamn retard for thinking highly enough of themselves to believe they’re an exception. There is no one godly enough on this earth to crack through the thick aromantic crust of my psyche, don’t flatter yourself.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate adoration from others. But vaguely. From a distance. Preferably close to hero-worship with little to no interaction on my part. And even that I can easily live without it’s just…tolerable. Pathetic, but tolerable. Regardless those days are behind me now anyway.

I guess I don’t know what “love” feels like and I probably never will, but god damn if I’m not completely fine with that, shit makes people look and act like completely deranged assholes. Romance churns my damn guts. Anyone expressing desire to be my friend repulses me. People growing attached to me exasperate me. It’s a one-sided responsibility being thrust upon me against my will, and now I have to cater to some selfish jackass’s emotions because I appear to be the only goddamn person on this planet with any control over his. I mean. The two I have at least.

Unless voidly depression can be categorized as an emotion. That numbness? Probably lackthereof, honestly.

Let’s see… -happiness/excitement -anger/irritation (rare but occasional) -??? Neutral? Normal? -Slightly less productive neutral. Lil bit depressive.

…is that four feelings? Or two and some weird…vacancies. I don’t know if “neutral” or “mild to moderate depression” can be considered emotions.