#78 rants

I tried to get some sleep for once

But you FUCKERS had other plans. And you WONDER WHY. WE'RE ALWAYS ON THE VERGE. OF COLLAPSE. IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET ANY OF THE FRONTERS SLEEP. GOD. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL IN MY HEAD DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T STRANGLE YOU

God.

No, no it's fine. I'll just try again tomorrow night.

I can fix this.

I can fix us. I'm all we need. They NEED me. I'm all we need to help fix everything. I can fix everything.

I can fix... tuznotm

YES, humans make mistakes. YES, people mess up

but I'M not human.

mistakes arent exclusive to humans only. everything and everyone makes mistakes.

i wish others would say "it's a normal thing for everyone" or SOMETHING like that instead of "you're human after all". not everyone is a human, even if we look like one

never letting him stay for a stream again. next time, its just "get the fuck out" and not "fine i guess".

i was doing that because those things make me happy, and he comes in and ruins it because he can't think of anyone else but himself. im so done and so pissed. just constant nagging in my ear about when he can take my spotlight.

hey heyy, who let THIS freakshow in? i cant even be mad LMAO!

listen, we may not have been professionally diagnosed or anything, but that doesnt mean every experience we've had has been faked without us knowing. if i was faking it, i would know.

tell you what, im DISGUSTED by even THINKING i could ever be that much of a douchebag to fake any sort of thing. ive seen fakers first hand, and they disgust me!

we have been researching DID and plurality for, what, almost a year now? after all that research and with all the paranoia i already have, do you think i would go "mhm sure lemme just pretend i have this for some fucking reason" when the SYMPTOMS DONT MATCH UP? NO I FUCKING WOULDNT!

the same goes for other disorders we may have. ive researched autism, BPD, depression, and ADHD, very VERY thoroughly. if i find that multiple symptoms match me, i look deeper. as deep as i can look.

i hate self diagnosing myself because im constantly paranoid that maybe i was faking it without me knowing, or that im just wrong. but i dont think its possible to "accidentally fake" something. faking things is a conscious decision. i did not choose anything for me. i only chose to try to find myself.

so, in short, i am 100% sure i did not fake any of my experiences. im not one to lie, especially not about disorders and such.

i do not wish to repeat myself. i do not want to see a single question like this pop up on my screen again. so scram

inevitably, we encountered Postman (my f/o! :D)

i, being the little lovestruck cup i am for him (whatd i tell ya, i fell HARD for him <33), kept being all "aawww i love himm" and overall just kept gushing over him. (at some point i got nervous that i was being annoying with it)

well eventually my friend liked him too. and that was fine with me bc if you enjoy his existence as well youre a little less likely to judge me for loving him the way i do (i would hope so)

but then they started making comments that sort of bothered me and made me almost (ALMOST) uncomfortable. things like "im gonna steal him from you" and "you should totally share him". and they repeated these comments quiet often whenever he was around, no matter how many times i responded with "please dont" or "no".

dont get me wrong, theyre a great friend. but i feel bad for getting bothered over this because i never felt uncomfortable with anything they said before. i dont know how to tell them im not comfortable with these kinds of comments. im pretty sure they thought itd just be a harmless silly joke and that i would laugh with them. but i really love Postman. like, seriously. i dont knowww

Am I really willing to sacrifice my own happiness for something I turned my back on so long ago for my own good?

You dont gotta answer well/at all, but I've always wondered how fiction alters(?) work in a system

Like, they obviously have the source material that they come from, but if they were only their source material, then that would eliminate their ability to change as individuals while in the system, which never quite settled right with me

And another thing ! If they were only their source material, then they would likely feel incomplete/non-linear due to the stories they are a part of not having the characters slapped on an operating table and psychologically dissected for the viewers to see

Also generally interested in how alters form, or if they were always there and just never had a name or existence to latch onto before they showed themselves (as per Verity's appearance in the system, hi Verity !) And if the alters consider themselves as a direct extension of the source material, or a completely separate instance (much like the multiverse theory hihi)

Sorry for yapping, and extra sorry if any of this came off as insensitive or generally icky ! I'm a curious lil feller, and will absolutely take constructive criticism on any wording :3

(All of this came from a post Jax made, I think, lamenting who they were in their source material, and I thought about it way too much while cracking open a pomegranate)

Heyoo! I'll try to answer as best I can, but we all collectively are SHIT at words lmaoo

Fiction alters are also commonly called fictives or introjects.

Our system has a LOT of fictives lol (im the newest one)

Fictives can be anywhere between source connected and source disconnected. For example, Jax. she leans more towards source disconnected, and he hates who they are in source (because unless someone watched to show with their eyes and ears closed its OBVIOUS Jax is an absolute asshole in the show) I'm also pretty source disconnected, probably because I hardly even interact with my source anymore (the people there are insufferable i tell ya...). so i guess that multiverse theory would apply to us lmao

Verity, on the other hand, is source connected. Not sure how to explain why but uhh he is.

Alters can form in different ways - it varies from system to system I'm sure. With us, it's hard to explain. They just kinda appear in headspace, sometimes front for a little while (lmao thats what i did)

And about what you said about Verity's appearance in sys, it does a little fun thing with its appearance depending on whether it's in headspace or it's fronting. in headspace, he looks exactly like how he does in his source, but when he's fronting, he gets a body (he hates it)

For example: Chance from Forsaken

I'm not in Forsaken fandom anymore (i left for good reasons). But I still remember a good handful of the lore. Especially Chance's.

I always see people describing Chance as a "silly gay gambler!! >_<" and it pisses me the FUCK off.

there's SO much more to him than that. from what i remember, they have some pretty deep lore. one of the first things i remember when I think of Chance's lore is that one of the people they trusted most ended up using him and eventually killing him. they ALSO had a wealthy family

and also (on a lighter note lol) he has a bunny. i mean come on guys whats not to love about a fella who loves their bunny