“’You tell that boy to stay away from that window,’ she said. ‘Now he’s puting flowers in the window, the next thing you know he’ll be trying to climb in.’ But she still thought it was kinda cute. The next thing i knew she was telling all her friends about it. While i was embarassed, it also made me think i was cute. No boy had every [sic] paid me that much attention before and i loved it.
One day i was coming from the store and i saw Joe. He started walking beside me. He was kinda shy and he had never said anything to me except ‘You look nice’ or ‘You look pretty.’ This day we tried to make conversation as we went along. Then, all of a sudden, he said, ‘Will you go with me? I want you to be my girl.’ Somehow i was shocked. Did he really think i would go with him and ruin my reputation forever? ‘No,’ i answered. ‘No,’ he repeated. ‘Why not?’ I didn’t know what to say. My tongue became heavy and twisted, I started to stutter. Nothing came out of my mouth. ‘Why not?’ he asked again. I stammered and stuttered and then, with icy bluntness, i said, ‘Because you’re too black and ugly.’ I will never forget the look on his face. He looked at me with such cold hatred that i was stunned. I was instantly sorry for what i had said, but there was no taking it back. He looked at me as if he despised me more than anyone else on the face of the earth. I felt so ugly and dirty and depraved. I was shaken to the bone. For weeks, maybe months, afterward, i was haunted by what happened that day, by the snakes that had crawled out of my mouth. The sneering hatred on his face every time i saw him after that made me know there was nothing i could do to make it up to him. There was nothing i could do but change myself. Not for him, but for me. And i did change. After that i never said ‘Black’ and ‘ugly’ in the same sentence and i never thought it. Of course, i couldn’t undo all the years of self-hatred and brainwashing in that short time, but it was a beginning. And although i still cared too much about what people thought about me, i always tried hard after that to stand on my own two feet, to stand by what i felt and thought and not just be a robot. I didn’t always succeed, but i always tried like hell.”
