summer of realization
Well here goes. I’m going to attempt blog where I’m in terms of mental, mind, and health state in a single post. And hopefully understand how this all became and conclude with final sentiments.
I noticed many of my issues began due the friendships I acquired in middle and high school. One friend of mine was struggling with an eating disorder. I tried to understand. See from her point-of-view. But it seemed I couldn’t understand. You see, I never noticed my “flaws” before. Of course, flaws being subjective. To me, they were flaws. Before I entered high school, everything that made me I was proud. I had just learned to love my mother tongue and curls by the end of middle school. Those were my two biggest insecurities in middle school. And my weight. Friends and classmates seemed to think I was being starved (gym teacher weighed us in front of everyone...kinda fucked up). However, that unraveled and fell as another friend of mine was going through a self-hatred thing. Hating her mother tongue, skin color, and wanted to be of a different ethnicity. But instead of looking at those insecurities, she projected it on to me. Making me feel once again insecure. I began to hate my body (I started gaining and binging on trash food...eating 1 meal and snacks a day). My curls. My skin and skin color. My height. My awkwardness.
I think this is when everything began. Friendships do affect you so does puberty and insecurities. I imagine this as a ball that gets bigger and bigger as it rolls down a hill. How did I manage to pick up others insecurities and start this self-hatred journey? I was surprised. But was surprised me the most was the voice in me constantly belittling me. You can’t draw so why practice? You aren’t smart so why bother studying? You’re going to fail anyways so don’t try. Why try? You already suck.
I’m getting tired of this voice. SOOO, I tried by best this quarantine to stick to a schedule. I tried so hard.
Breakfast...work...lunch...studying...studying...reading...drawing...working out...and relaxing.
I overworked myself by piling shit on top of myself. On top of this, I was keeping up with news, not just where I live but everywhere. This crushed me and made me unhopeful. I feel into depressive state (multiple times in quarantine) where I didn’t do anything but work and sleep. I barely even took care of my body. I didn’t bother eating meals. Or brushing. Or even walking around. I thought to myself, “why do anything if everything is already garbage”. I needed a reason to keep trying. To keep doing what I love. To keep eating healthy. To keep doing fun things.
This all started in middle school and I’m so damn tired of feeling ashamed of myself. Belittling my intelligence, my heritage, my smile, my body, and my everything.
I’m realizing I don’t need multiple reasons to keep doing things I love, to keep trying at life.
I only need one. And that is me.
I only need to try and do for myself. Not to please or to prove to someone else. I need to only compare to my past self and look forward. Explore myself and explore all the cool fucking things to try. And as long as I’m trying my hardest. I think- no, I know that’s all I need.
Just for me. Do it just for me, me, me and me.
Ladies and gents, I no longer give 2 fucks about what others might think of me. I already have to deal with myself. And I’m just so over trying to live up to my expectations.
I will now try to live life by trying, failing, and coming back up again to try and try again. No matter how many times I fail, I will stand up and try it again.
