#6p

It’s been so long since I’ve heard her voice that I’m slowly coming to forget it.

The night of our travels to Manila, the mission of retrieving information of a morbid radivore attack lead to a tragedy that still haunts me. If only I’ve known that she’d be gone so easily... I would’ve said no right then and there. It was hard for me to accept that such would happen— in such an early stage in fact— to someone I always denied was dear to me. Palette, my mentee, mon ami. Infamous for being the protocol’s dedicated cleaner.

The figure I’ve seen of her, laying down on the concrete the time it was all over made my chest ache like never before. Heartbreak wasn’t enough to describe it— I felt a part of me had joined her to the afterlife. The moment I held her hand was when I’ve been hit with the reality that acceptance is such a cruel comfort. I apologize for drenching you with my tears, mon ami. It’s only so hard to see you go.

Time has passed ever since, but I would be lying if I said I have healed. No, I’m not past that loss just yet, even if I wished I would be— letting her go so easily seemed to hurt me so, so much. Countless sleepless nights, several instances where I begged to God that maybe she was only asleep… sacre bleu. It consumes me, the guilt of it all.

The atmosphere around the protocol became eerily quiet, rightfully so, as even if Palette was conservative with herself it didn’t feel right that she was not around. Sova can attest to it. Both of us exchange knowing glances whenever we cross paths around the vicinity. He’s as hurt as I, no doubt. I’ve known that Sova treats her like she was family, that man had loved her better than I did.

I settled on one of the bar stools by the countertop drinking a glass of wine for tonight, Sova joined me briefly to converse for a while before heading back to our own quarters.

“…Hello, comrade.” The blond greets with hesitation in his voice, his eyes staring down on the marble counter. For a while, there was silence between us until he began to speak once more.

“I… May I… May I ask you something?”

Sova had finally gotten the courage to look at me upon muttering his request. I merely placed down my wine glass on the countertop, adjusting myself to face him properly.

“About?”

“Palette.”

I nearly froze.

“Agh,” he grunted. “Sorry, it’s a hard topic for both of us but… I’m curious, Chamber. Do you—“

I prepared to stand up from my seat if only he didn’t stop me.

“Please, it’s important!”

Sighing, there I went back down on the stool dreading his upcoming inquiry.

“…What?”

“Do you also get visions of her when you… sleep?”

“Pardon?”

Visions? Is he absurd?

“I… I know it sounds crazy but…” Sova pauses, clearing his throat. “Palette has been visiting me these past nights, and often we speak whenever she does- and it’s just… I wondered if she does the same to you too, comrade. Have you spoken about anything?”

I couldn’t utter a word, I haven’t even considered she would do such a thing. Unless Sova had been saying this to cope, I’d like to believe maybe I would be the next. I wouldn’t mind.

“Ha… haha, Sova. Pardon me but I… I believe I have not,” I took another sip off the wine from my glass as I cleared my throat. “Is there anything she told you? About me? Or is it mostly containing your relationship?”

I would rather not press further, but my curiousity got the best of me at the moment. Sova shook his head with a chuckle.

“Ah..! Just our own lives. Nothing much about you though, comrade,” he laughed. “Best you ask her yourself! If, you know, she visits.”

The two of us share a soft chuckle. I suppose he’s right.

Sova stood up from his own seat and set the stool aside. He steps towards the archway exit of the kitchen before looking back at me.

“Goodnight,” he bids me. “If Palette ever visits you, tell her everything you need.”

He leaves the kitchen letting me be with my own thoughts once more. The wine glass I was holding slowly began becoming empty, sipping with every passing minute as I ponder to myself. Sova’s revelation may have sounded absurd, but I cannot help but hope I see her too.

“Suppose I will.”

The soft mattress softly hugged me as I lay down. Eyes being dragged down slowly, finally resting after another restless afternoon. For once, I felt at ease compared to previous nights.

As my body gets fully engulfed in slumber, my consciousness found itself in a familiar place: the balcony. The same balcony to where we discussed futures, the balcony where I taught her how to dance for the second time because she forgot how, the same balcony where I never wanted to take my eyes off of her. Perhaps it was the time I fell in love, yet I denied it. And every time I think about it, I lamented the fact that we would have gone a different path. But the past has already gone, no?

Les actes valent mieux que les mots.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I took my first step on the tiles. Were my eyes deceiving me? No, that’s not right… I’m dreaming, I really am! I know of it. I know I’m dreaming, I’ve discussed this with Sova before I slept. Yet as a dream it felt too good to be true. It can’t be, is it?

“Mr. Fabron?”

“Palette?”

I had to hold my breath. Speechless. There is so much I would love to say that I never got to, and yet no words could come out of my mouth. All I did was simply stare at her. The moonlight served as her spotlight, the stars supported the scene. And I? I let my eyes feast in gluttony as they continue darting around her from top to bottom. I don’t want to blink. I don’t want to miss even a second of this… This heaven.

Palette took a step towards me. I remain motionless, I felt frozen in place just by being in here. Being around her presence that was once gone.

“Hello,” she greets me. “It’s been a while.”

I cleared my throat before replying, “I suppose it was.”

She took another step, slowly approaching me.

“I… I hope you’re doing okay, Mr. Fabron.” Palette adjusted her glasses before fully looking up at me. A soft smile formed on her lips. “Sorry I took so long to… to visit. I didn’t have the courage to do so… and, well… I didn’t want to invade inside your head so abruptly.”

I glanced down at her. All I can feel is relief, perhaps even comfort. I couldn’t even reply, all I gave her is a smile back.

She then took both of my hands and held it with her own. Despite this being a dream, I can feel her warmth once more. It felt like I was relieving a past memory from long ago, but I must not lie to myself. I know this is only a wish came true, no permanence whatsoever. I shouldn’t be attached, but god, is it so awful of me to want for this to be forever?

The courage to speak finally had gotten into me.

“Palette.”

“Yes?”

I held her hands tighter, closer. “I’m so sorry, mon ami.”

“What for?”

Her gentle voiced soothed me, momentarily sweeping the worries I had within away. Though, I admit my chest continues to feel a tightening pressure. I took a deep breath to further ease myself before formally continuing.

“For… for neglecting you,” I stutter. It’s difficult.

“Palette, I… I regret letting you alone on that mission. Everyday I dread of the thought of your loss. You were capable of fighting, yes— I know you’ve gotten stronger than you first arrived, I believed you were able to handle yourself by then, but I… If I only I knew the result would end up losing you so early… I could have… I would have…”

Gravity pulled me down to my knees. I couldn’t spew any words, all I can think about are my regrets. My mind is plagued of so much hypotheticals of what could have been. If only I was there, if only I was able to take the fall instead, if only I knew she would be gone from my sights— I would have told her everything right then and there… No, I would have held her tight the moment she fell. I knew she cared too much to the point she’d neglect her own life. She used all her life energy to save someone else, knowing well it would end her. Once it’s gone, she is too. Palette, I wish you were not so selfless. It breaks me to only realize now I have never made you feel loved in the first place. It won’t be fixed even if I apologize, now I am lost.

Would it still be late to confess?

Would it mean anything if I do?

Would it even be worth anything once I do?

“Sweetheart,” I hiccuped. The lump of my throat began getting tighter as my eyes began to shed tears. “You meant everything to me more than you ever knew. If only I wasn’t stupid to deny what I truly felt about you back then, I-I would have— We would have— Agh— Putain de merde! You were my whole world! I never knew how much weight I gained on my shoulders when I held your lifeless body that day. When I felt you turn cold… I regret it. I regret it so much, Palette. I regret it so, so much.”

Why must I be so shameful?

“Mr. Fabron—“

“It’s Vincent, please. There’s no need to be so formal anymore.”

Her hands cup my face with her thumbs wiping my tears away, I remain grounded. By then, she spoke: “Vincent,”

“I’ll always be thankful you made me feel what it’s like to love someone,” she said followed by a soft chuckle. “That’ll always be my fondest memory with you, and I’m grateful.”

With my remaining strength, I stood up from the ground. My hands remained holding hers, cherishing it with the limited moment I’m having with this girl as much as I could. There is no sure chance she would visit me again, and I don’t want to wait any longer.

“You’re unforgettable.”

I do not want anymore pending regrets. My impulse took over my senses after choking over my tears, knowing well that I’ll never have this chance again when I wake up. Without hesitation I leaned towards her, closing the space between our faces, embracing tightly as if I were to lose her again— I will— but that doesn’t matter. Je t’aime, Palette. Tu es l'amour de ma vie. There is no one else in the world that I knew who was sincere as you. You’ll forever be my fondest memory.

Palette pulled herself back slightly, a soft smile forms on her face. I wish I can frame it.

“Vincent? I have a request,” she mumbled. I only waited for her to continue.

She took a step back from my arms and extended her own towards me. I took her open hand as the moonlight gave the both of us the spotlight this time, making the night feel more sentimental than it was a while ago. Palette pulled me closer towards her and held my hands again.

“Can you teach me how to dance again? It’s been a while.”

Is that so?

“Oh? Haha, of course, ma chérie.”

I wish not for the night to pass, but it must. I taught her the same steps we did the first time we’ve done it, occasionally with slips and falls, sway and swirls— but I don’t mind. I won’t ever mind. I could do this with her for the third, the fourth, or the hundredth time she’d ask. Forever, perhaps. It remains a dream.