Thereās a non-denominational chapel downtown in the middle of a park with fountains. Iām pretty sure the place was built by Christians; they had a Christmas tree out front. By the same respect, theyād had a giant menorah a couple weeks ago.
It was a quiet day. Thereās a wall around the park that keeps out most noise and a few stray birds were chirping in the still green trees. The fountains werenāt runningānot in winterābut the chapel itself was open. I walked up the long ramp to the entrance.
The chapel has no windows. There are no paintings or tapestries inside. Itās a round building: a great spiral, twisting ever closer to heaven. But, there is stained glass, in the ceiling: many colors, working in or working out.
Thereās chairs. I know that seams really basic, but chairs: not pews. You can move the chairs around. Anyone can move them. That really is a simple thing. Thereās someone in a wheelchair? Move some chairs out of the way. Push them together. Face them all away from each other. Thereās no podium or lectern. Everyone who comes in is equal.
No one else was in the chapel, so I sat cross-legged on the floor in the center, looking up at the spiral of colors and light.
Friday is Christmas. There it was: so close and so huge.
We are having Christmas dinner with Morganās family. And will they take us to their church? Will the people there stare and point at me? At Morgan? At Morganās family? Is this why theyāve shunned me for so long? What is that church like? Pews and a pulpit, stained glass images of Jesus and fire, banners that declare love gazed at lovingly by people who hate me, who would hate Morgan, Who hate us because we decided who we were and that we wanted to be together, because we love each other.
And then what? Weāll never have a wedding in that church. Morganās family will always be whispered about because of that, because they had to go to outsiders to have that. Ā Theyāll never sing hymns for us or see us down the aisle. Weāll have to sneak off to some bureaucrat's office and our wedding march will be played out on a typewriter. In triplicate. Sign here.
But, I want to say to Morgan, Merry Christmas! Hereās my gift: some kind of stability. A real job and not some flash-in-the-pan contract. Letās buy a house. Letās plant a garden. Letās actually build our lives together. I want to care for you for forever. Letās burn as brightly as we can and then go gray and dim together.
I will give you everything I can. A kidney. A piece of liver. Let me be your family.
There was a woman in the chapel with me, sitting in one of the chairs. She smiled at me.
āIām so sorry!ā I said, struggling to get up. āI was just overcome.ā
She nodded and pointed at the ceiling.
āYes,ā I said. Ā āThe colors. Itās beautiful, isnāt it?ā
She smiled and nodded, then reached in her purse and pulled out a tissue that she handed it to me.
She waved her hand at me.
I dabbed at my eyes and blew my nose. I was turning around and around in the room, looking up. āYou get a real feel here, right? I mean, just you andā¦ whatever. You feel it.ā
I looked back at her. She had a questioning look on her face, like she didnāt understand me.
I pointed up. āCloser to heaven,ā I said.
A weird sound. Not a grunt but a kind of moan: short and throaty.
āIām sorry I turned away,ā I signed. āI didnāt realize you were reading my lips.ā
Her face lit up. āYou sign? But you were talking.ā
āI took ASL as my foreign language in college,ā I replied. Ā āI donāt have the ear.ā
Morganās brother is deaf. A large part of how we met. Itās funny, really, that when Morgan talks about himāquotes himāMorgan signs but also has a voice for him: deep and slow.
The woman in the chapel smiled wide. āYouāre doing fine. I donāt have to use my notepad.ā
āThank you for the tissue,ā I told her.
āThat was a very loud prayer.ā She laughed again (that strange but familiar sound). āEven I could hear it.ā
āI wasnāt praying,ā I replied. āI was just thinking.ā
āI donāt know the difference,ā she said. āBut it looked like praying. A good prayer.ā
āI hope you get what you pray for,ā she told me.
āThank you,ā I said. āIām working hard on it.ā
Kristi had left for lunch while I was gone, so it was just me and Gabi in the NOC.
āAre you upset that I am Muslim?ā she asked.
I shook my head. āWhy would that upset me?ā
āYou just seemed so surprised.ā
āI donāt know what I expected,ā I said. āI set myself up on that.ā
āDid you go to the square?ā she asked.
āI went there and I prayed so loud a deaf woman could hear me,ā I said.
Gabi laughed. āWhat did you pray for, so loud?ā
āA good Christmas. For everyone.ā
āAh,ā Gabi said. āYes, I might have heard that down here. You pray very loudly.ā
I laughed. āWell, not everyone can hear it.ā
