No.582
It has been a while, my dear bloggie and I am sorry for this overdue post. I still haven’t got my writing passion back, though it sounds like just another excuse for procrastinating.... well because I just need to write right, and somehow I would get to the end of a story I have started....
As crazy as it may sound, the water must has washed my brain away lol almost a year after the accident yet I felt joyless still, at an epic scale. Time after time there has been, indeed, some little joy to keep me going. And I truly appreciate it.
Only about 2 weeks ago have I finally consciously recognized my depression. It was a revelation indeed, when I talked to Jenny about the old usual things and she woke me up from a long dream by just honestly saying the things I should have been always aware. Since then I actively raise my self-awareness and learn to ‘push a little bit’, instead of pushing none at all which, in turn, literally means I just easily give in, rather than giving myself a break and take a rest. Honestly the line is pretty blurred anyway between pushing and resting, resisting the not-so-good or is it like simply just accepting what I really am? I mean, both sound like a good choice, right way to do, so exactly to what extent I should/shouldn’t do this/that is out of my wisdom.
Of course, I do admit that I might move to another extremity by pushing none and therefore, now that I am self-aware everyday of how my feelings are recycling, I have to say to myself consistently that ‘I wanna make things work this time’, ‘I wanna make things work from now’ so really, ‘I don’t want to give in and at least, let me resist my negative thoughts a bit’. Little by little.
You know, I have such a good story to tell yet, now I can’t write my story.
Today is one of the day within the depression cycle and better from last time, I woke up in the morning, I am still aiming for 3 meals per day, I climbed 16 floors to my office instead of using elevator, and well today, I even wrote this blog so still, I’m doing pretty damn well right. Achievement of the day haha. Yesterday I worked hard. I do know I am a hardworker, though passionless me finding no career-orientation, I make money towards my saving goal and that’s good enough.
Sis Ann asked me what I need save so much money for. Well I don’t know. I thought now that I find no passion or interest in anything, all I need is to make money and save loads of money and maybe that would help me find back what I look forward to in this life.
Just wanna take it easy and be simple. That’s all.
