#563rd

20:20

I have entrusted myself to the Universe, to Jesus, to Lord, to the Angels of Guardian, to All Mighty in the Spiritual World, for guiding me through this toughest time in Life. 

So coming across the mirror hour 20:20 must have a meaning, sent by the Angel, according to my therapist friend.

When I checked the message, the Angel said I shouldn’t be doing things too quickly as I tend to pass things by fast, which might be detrimental to my credibility. 

Hmm.... is the Universe trying to say that I should just do nothing now and that‘s fine? LOL

I even went to Fortune Teller today. Though I listed what I was gonna ask including what my future is going to be and what I need to do now LOL I ended up just asking about my concern over my health and the job change thing. Man.... can’t not even make a step and have to ask a fortune teller for what to do with my Life..... yup enough said to prove how miserable I am right now. I CANNOT EVEN DO THINGS. Just anything. 

In turn, I need a sign, any signal, or a fortune teller to tell me what right to do LOL though today was such a fail, as the fortune teller only asked me to make a pray in an addressed sacred place for my possibility of marrying someone (whose name, apparently, started with ‘H’ or ‘TH’ and so on) as soon as in next 2 years. 

I guess the fortune teller did bring out what my inner self desires. Indeed, recently I have been thinking of marriage, just fucking settling down and being a housewife. Fuck Goldsmiths, fuck individualism, fuck goals. Just marry a nice guy and have kids. Because, I AM JUST A HUMAN BEING, fuck it I can’t save the whole world, I can’t even save myself now, so fuck all degrees I have had and all experiences I’ve got, I just fucking need be HAPPY, and kids are cute, they make you smile automatically, i.e. legit happiness LOL .....

But the moment I got out of the fortune telller’s house and up until now, it is a very strong feeling saying that ‘I do not want to marry here, in my country, basically I do not want to marry any man here’, in such a conservative, patriarchal, old-fashioned and suppresive society. NOPE.

..... which means I would probably die alone LOL 

Well I have already prepared for that! Fine with me. I shall be a lovely spinster LOL   

..... 

Here we go, at least, though I couldn’t figure what I want to do, I have made clear about what I DON’T want to do. So marriage aside, I just need figure out the rest. 

...

At least, I have come to realise now that the whole Hell was started since November 2013 after my most precious time in London has gone. I have put my negativity in the background, as my friend analysed, and lived on with it. It means that I tried to ignore that I have problems, that is why I am struggling to be positive all these years on the foundation of quicksand, a quicksand of negativity.

It has been hard, so hard for me to FORGIVE myself, to ACCEPT what happened, to LET everything BE and LET resentments GO. Oh yeah I feel so bitter and resentful that how much I have built up to stand firm in Japan has all crumbled down once the negativity climaxed itself to such a great explosion: the ORJ mental breakdowns -> drowning -> bad health condition -> leaving Japan

So for 6 years I am LOST :”)

...

Yesterday I finally watched ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ movie about Freddie Mercury, the lead vocal of ‘Queen’, 70s Rock’n Roll band. Man I cried so much, for the music, and the related sadness with the protagonist who was ‘lost’ for a while and so ended up contracting HIV/AIDS. He found his way back, and his true love too, but with such a cost. And he died at the age of 45 something. 

....

What I am trying to say is that, EVERYONE gets lost once in a while LOL 

Therefore, no need for me to be harsh on myself, no need to blame myself for everything. 

And now that I don’t have to marry for the sake of marriage, so I am free of aging pressure. 

No need to marry as soon as possible just because old age kicks start early for women. 

FUCK IT.

....

Kids are cute. And I do want to have my own baby. I believe I could be a terrific cool Mom! LOL

However, I shan’t race nor fight for a husband and kids. If it’s meant to be, it happens. If not (and with my reassumed introvert personality and prejudices against certain societies, more likely) then FINE.

...

In summary, 

HAKUNA MATATA