#52018

sunday

turtle dog

My dearest,

Congrats. You finally did that thing you told yourself you were going to do, like, a month ago and finally started a journal. Told your counselor and everything and didn’t end up doing it until now. Well, everything starts somewhere. Maybe this is a sign you’ll finally stop neglecting your mental health. We’ll see. It’s hard to tell with you. You thought writing in a physical journal using first-person pronouns was too self-centered or something so you didn’t do it. instead, you’re writing a second-person journal on the internet where everyone can see it. That... Makes sense you think?

You found a baby red squirrel today. You were walking your dog with your brother and it was in the middle of the road. You walked to get it out of the road, not thinking about the dog on the leash you held. She attacked it, but only scared it and maybe broke its nose. Right now it’s sitting in a cardboard box on your bookshelf and sneezing every so often. You’ve cuddled it all day. His name is Adrian.

That’s not why you’re writing. This isn’t a log- this is the journal of a mentally unwell twenty-year-old woman with a habit of self-destructing instead of actually dealing with shit. For example: You wanna get high right now. Like, you really wanna get high right now. You want to cut yourself. You want to call Joe or maybe even Zack- anyone but Ceros- and ask them to fuck. You want to do anything but deal with your shit. But you’re not going to do any of those things and you’re going to deal with it. Good job. Baby steps.

You have a hard time admitting things to yourself. Let’s try that. You keep Ceros around because he tells you your pretty, takes you places and buys you food, and blows your back out. Barring the fact he’s probably among the ranks of the worst fucking people you’ve ever met. He’s a goddamned sociopath but you want to believe he’s just buried under, like, 20 layers of dissociation (which isn’t impossible, except he divides people into two categories called “Actual People” and “Sheeple” and thinks it’s ok to manipulate and dehumanize the latter). He learned how to be a man from his father and his older brother, who are both horrific womanizers and also probably sociopaths. You have no idea what kind of person he actually is, because he is known to change personalities to fit the situation. He claims the person he is with you is mostly real (mostly? Can you give me a percentage on that??) but you have literally no way of knowing that. He’s a manipulator and you’ve fallen for it. Again. Make this count... three? Four if you count your dad. He couldn’t give less of a shit about other people or being a good person. You need to drop him, or at least add some distance between you two.

There. That... Was really hard, actually. But you’ll be better for it. And now you’re gonna post it on the internet because... You don’t know why. It’s easier to keep track of it? Whatever.

Nothing but love,