#475th

Melancholic Mood Alert

Sigh...

Out of nowhere I feel pretty depressed today. Still working on my research assistance job, yet, I just have to take a break and procrastinate on this at the moment...

You know things could be even worse than now. He could play around with me, like Selin’s boyfriend, pretending to be all sweet and smooth-talk yet cheating behind her back, choosing girlfriends depending on values and attainability...

At least my guy showed his true colors from the very beginning. He is honest. He said he never tells lies, and so it’s easy for him to be who he is. So if I am hurt, I am expected to be hurt. It’s not like it’s gonna be such a sudden blow and my heart couldn’t be even prepared for it so the suffering would become even more unbearable.

...

I don’t know how my friend could take all yet remain so nice and forgiving to him. I remember at the time when she talked to me about her experiences, and I can’t understand how it’s so hard to leave such a douche-bag....

Guess what, I couldn’t leave my own douche-bag either (at the moment I mean, and I do hope in near future I could finally move on for good)

I remembered Selin said to me ‘I wish you would find a nice guy’.

Guess what, I’ve found a nice...douche-bag lol

But yeah, as I said, it could be worse. Life could always get worse, apparently...

Like loving someone and being loved in return but we have to fall apart, or the one you love passes away, or just...another tragedy.

Yeah compared to.... no I shouldn’t compare, just saying, generally speaking I mean, I should feel grateful for what I have. He’s honest that he can’t give me some sort of ‘commitment’ but he helps me out in different ways.

When we departed last time, he kissed me on my lips. Though it’s daylight in pubic (in Kabukicho though, which is basically a red-light district, where people around are already weirdos who care less about other people’s business because they understand it’s full of secrets of affairs in this ‘area’) but well, it was sweet.

Then he helped me out with Japanese CV afterwards...

Whether it’s soon or late, he does reply my messages and text. I sent him ‘Happy Valentine’s x’ text and he responded with ‘Thank You! XXX’

He could just screw me over and break me tremendously (which, I understand, would be better so I won’t be led on, but ah well, I’m not that tough of a girl, don’t want to be it either, I still prefer being spoiled, being treated like a princess - the ‘happy-go-lucky’ type)

Anyway, stop over-analyzing, that’s my point.

Things could always be worse.

And when I started moaning, asking Life ‘why, why, why does this happen to me, why ME Life?!?!?!’

Life’s only response is ‘WHY NOT’

.... .... Touché!

Life got a point.

So yeah, it just happens. As he said, “there are only facts, just accept and allow”.

Wise words.

This morning I was wide awake between 6 something and 9 I think, and an epiphany occurred to me, that my greatest struggle all these years, all the time, has actually always been the struggle to ACCEPT WHO I JUST AM.

That’s it. Pretty simple. Because I am too harsh on myself, hoping me to be someone completely opposite of who I am, which creates a detrimental extremity against my self-recognition, and in turn I kept failing to see who I am to accept it, and just become blinded to hallucinate about someone I am not. I can’t balance between the real me and the imaginary me. From one extremity to the other, because I have too low self-esteem and become too inferior-complex I end up being so proud, inflating my own vanity.

I don’t accept me as ‘just’ an ordinary Vietnamese girl.

I don’t accept my Vietnamese habitus.

I don’t accept having a mother like Her.

I keep saying I deserve ‘better’, never settling down for less than I am capable of.

Maybe that stems from the fact that I just don’t accept that THIS, everything for me at the moment, the current life, is all what I’ve got and could get!

I never accept what I have.

I crave for more and more.

I STRUGGLE to find Happiness.

That’s exactly why I can’t find it no matter what.

Because it’s supposed to be just...there. Things naturally come if they are meant to be. I am forcing things, controlling all to be.

That’s why I never feel at peace and keep moaning why I have to always struggle by myself.

Because I don’t want to NOT struggle.

I don’t want to accept what I currently have, what I have always had, I just crave for ‘more’ for ‘better’...

Suddenly I just sent a message to Hasun asking if she wants to live together with me if one day, far in future, we end up not marrying anyone at all. And she replied me saying she’d rather prefer marrying after all, and even if not she has promised to live together with Nai already :)))))

When she confessed to me she loves me last New Year Holiday, I thought I could keep her as an open option forever but I guess it’s not the case no matter what haha

When she confessed to me she loves me last New Year Holiday, I think the very idea I had in mind at that time was that ‘She’s too late. Because now I could get someone/something better than that’

I think I just keep her hanging on... She is sweet and nice, buying the Lee purse for me, giving it as a present, also helping me buy the bag with my name on it, always responding to me.... Maybe I’m playing around with her.... Did I hurt her?

Why am I so greedy?

Why can’t I just be grateful for what I have and accept what I’ve got as well as who I am?

I don’t know anymore.

What I can reach and where is the limit, whether or not it’s enough, or I could still aim for more, whether or not this is all, or it’s not even yet full part of it, I just don’t know anymore.

But as Moran said, uncertainty is the only certain thing in the world. And Life has no meaning, the meaning of Life is to live it, just to live it.

I’m just gonna live. So that I could die well, die in peace, and die at the right time.

I just wanna live.