Apr 30, 2019
Stuart Cameron has taken pictures of Louis. I wonder if this had anything to do with Louis. via Jordan Green's Instagram story, 4.30.19
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Stuart Cameron has taken pictures of Louis. I wonder if this had anything to do with Louis. via Jordan Green's Instagram story, 4.30.19
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I feel like I'm back here. Like I've been thrust right back into some alternate timeline, the Bad End.
I'm scared of every sensation in my body, every pain, every ache, the way my heart is always racing and my lungs wheeze, the growing pressure against my side... what does cancer want from me? Does it have some evil sentience? Some vendetta? I'll never know the why's. I can pretend to have an answer. Or I can accept what I don't know. I'd rather just stay calm and trust that whatever's going to happen is how it was meant to be. Meantime, fight like a desperate animal for survival.
Negative thinking is becoming a bother. It's not pleasant to spend more time than necessary worrying. But I can't get myself into a meditative state right now. I'm panicked. Steroids and radiation fatigue, lack of mobility, it all adds up.
I'm in completely uncharted territory, here. And, I'm finding no one has any more idea what's going on than I do. No one really knows what to hope for, or how to feel. My husband, my mother, my father, my friends and family. I'm finding myself dispensing life wisdom when we talk. Did I remember to say I love you? Yes.
Everyone's scared. Everyone's trying to help.
I have one life mission, always have: Make people think deeper. Make people think harder. Make people feel empathy, tolerance, love, unselfishness. And make art. Make lots and lots of art.
Ok, so I did it through fanfiction.
Awesome. Because I did it.
Don't make it perfect. Life will never be perfect. Make it now.
PSA: the 'high' from swimming beats the 'high' from restriction ANY day.
This is not to say that exercise is a replacement for an ED—that's just another ED TBH... But it is to say, being healthy enough, physically and mentally, to participate in a type of exercise that I enjoy deeply is so fulfilling and gratifying, and I'm grateful for the support I've gotten and proud of the work I've done to get to where I am today. I've got a lot of work still, but goddamn, I've come far.
Taking Suggestions
I’m in a drawing mood, but I don’t feel like working on any of my WIPs, so I’m taking suggestions! No guarantees, but if you have a fanart idea you’d like to see me take a crack at, shoot me an ask! (Anon is fine)
Mostly in a Sanders Sides and Batman mood, but I’ll consider any fandom I’m familiar with. :)
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Day 6 of radiation down. Not feeling too bad right now actually; must’ve gotten all the dark thoughts out this morning. I also learned something kind of cool at my appointment this morning. Got the results back from pathology. It’s the same cancer as before, but one thing changed: Before, it was estrogen and progesterone receptor positive. Now, it mutated and the progesterone receptors are now negative. The poles switched. It adapted. It worked around the preventative medicine that kept my estrogen low. Something about knowing that just makes me pissed at it. Like, oh, this bitch thinks it’s clever? I’m going to chemo the hell out of it.
"None of my shorts fit me the way they used to."
"No, of course they don't. But that's okay. Not everything is about being skinny."