Shower

Coffee

Put Game Of Thrones, audio books, and music on my phone

Collect art stuff: pens, colouring book, sketch book, etc

Grab spare change of clothes

Load car with overnight bags

Ich: Ich hab das über die Jahre gelernt. Keine ahnung.

Sie: Du hast also gelernt deine Gefühle zu unterdrücken, dich selbst in den Hintergrund zu stellen, immer stark zu wirken und niemals die Maske die bereits in deine Haut eingesickert ist, weg zu legen. Immer für andere da zu sein und auf dich sdlbst vergessen? Das hast du wirklich gelernt?

Ich: Ja. Weil für mich niemand da war. Das werde ich niemals anderen antun. Und selbst wenn ich zusammenbreche und fast sterbe, werd ich anderen helfen und zuhören.

Cancer is such a touchy topic for me because I am incredibly over all of the “We’re praying for you!” and “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Like... people just. don’t. get it. And then there’s this whole other aspect of dealing with cancer that has to do with the patient’s caregivers that no one ever seems to talk about. There’s so much support from friends, family, and medical professionals, but rarely do you ever hear the story from the perspective of the caregivers.

I have been incredibly lucky to have the support group of friends that I have this time around. Not once have I ever felt belittled or judged for having some of my more... unsympathetic feelings towards my mother when talking to them. It’s when people who don’t really know me try to come in and offer hollow words of comfort. Things like, “Oh yeah, my brother-in-law’s step sister’s cousin had cancer once, so I know what you’re going through.”

Guess what? No you don’t. Your words don’t mean shit. But your actions sure as hell do. My family has seen who our true friends are through every medical crisis we’ve had in the past 4ish years. They’re the people who make a point of visiting/calling in between the Facebook updates, the ones that send food/food vouchers, the people that offer to come clean your house while a family member is in the hospital and you have a sinus infection. Most of all, it’s the people who are willing to offer their shoulder in place of their condolences, despite the fact that it inconveniences them.

All of that being said, every time I see something related to cancer, like a commercial for chemo or a breast cancer awareness ad, it feels absolutely trivial, trite, worthless, and pandering. I am not a victim of a disease and neither is my mother. I am simply in a perpetual state of crisis and stress. The big differentiation there is that a victim is someone who has experienced trauma in the past, where as, with cancer, it’s an every day struggle of new and exciting forms of torment and problem solving. One day, my dad was laying next to his sick wife in bed, and then the next he was having to book a plan ticket for his daughter to come and help write a living will for her. And I don’t think people get that.

Migraine and sleep meds - packed

Clothes - found

Art supplies - collected

Battery pack - charging