#4.2.15

in love doesn't mean I can't

can't I fall in love with

the idea of being in love

the idea of me

before you

I refuse to love you

before I love myself

Why should I fall

in love with an

idea of who I will be

when who I am

existed, before you

exists, alongside you

will exist, long after you are gone.

Why should I not be

allowed both,

what are you so afraid of?

Of becoming nothing...

or worse, invisible?

(Oh dear, let me tell you

a story)

Apology

Go to your BuildSettings as shown and you will see there are no scenes example Sample in your build. You will need to go open each scene and click Add Open Scenes until your window looks like my second image. Uncheck Sample

(Can) Kırıklarım batar,

Canın acır,

YOU’RE SUCH A DIPSHIT AND I HATE YOU FOR BEING SO CHARMING AND CHARISMATIC. I HATE THAT EVERY TIME I FUCKING SEE YOU, I LOSE MY BREATH AND FEEL MY HEART CONSTRICT BUT YET I WANT TO SEE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL. I HATE HOW SEEING YOU LEAVES ME DISORIENTED- WITH MY MIND SPINNING AND MY HEART ACHING FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER REAL IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HATE HOW YOU’RE ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I THINK OF IN THE MORNING AND ONE OF THE LAST THOUGHTS I HAVE BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP. I HATE HOW I HAVE TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF TO WALK INTO CLASS AND TO WALK THE HALLWAYS BECAUSE I MIGHT SEE YOU. I HATE HOW THE MERE THOUGHT OF YOU CAN STOP ME IN MY TRACKS, MAKE ME SHUT MYSELF OFF FROM EVERYONE, AND LEAVE ME SAD FOR HOURS. I HATE HOW ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS MENTIONING YOUR NAME GIVES ME THIS ACHING FEELING IN MY CHEST. I HATE HOW I HAVE TO KEEP MY FACE FROM FALTERING WHEN THEY MENTION YOUR NAME AND TRY NOT TO BREAK DOWN BECAUSE I DON’T WANT PEOPLE THINKING YOU EVER HURT ME. I DON’T WANT TO GIVE THEM MORE REASON TO TALK ABOUT YOU AND TO HATE YOU. I HATE HOW I LOOK FORWARD TO SOMEONE MENTIONING YOUR NAME SO I COULD HEAR ABOUT HOW YOU’RE DOING AND PRETEND FOR A MINUTE THAT WE ARE ON SPEAKING TERMS AND THAT WE ARE ‘FRIENDS’. I HATE HOW THE LITTLEST THINGS CAN REMIND ME OF YOU: SWIMMING, 3AM, THE COLOR RED, GLASSES, IPHONES, WILL SMITH, COMMUNITY COLLEGE, ENGLISH CLASS, SCHOOL BUSES, TWILIGHT, SWEATPANTS, WATER BOTTLES, SHOULDER PAIN, SKYPE, CHURCHES, MY RELIGION, DUFFEL BAGS, THE NOTEBOOK, AND MY CELL PHONE. I HATE HOW YOU STILL MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY DESPITE ACTING AS IF I DON’T EXIST FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS. IT’S SO HARD TO PUT A STRONG FACE ON WHEN YOU’RE EVERYWHERE, BUT I HAVE TO DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU LEAVING IS NOT THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN. I HAVE MADE IT THROUGH WORSE, AND I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. 

this is something that you will not see everyday.

a post thanking cancer for everything it has given me. in the third grade, my father died of liver cancer. i went to group therapy sessions, but i never felt like i belonged and left. so for seven years i didn’t feel like i was welcome into any particular group. no one understood who i was or where i came from. but two years ago, i found a home and a family. learning about a camp for people like me gave me hope.

Camp Kesem isn’t a camp that just anyone can go to. It’s a safe place where children can feel like they belong somewhere. More than 3 million children have parents who are affected by cancer. A space where I don’t need to filter what I say so people don’t pity me. However, it’s a non-profit organization and needs help with funding. And I would love it if you could help me out a bit here. Please do some more research and spread this cause around. Because it’s not all about the money, but more about the awareness. There really is magic in the air when you’re around a Camp Kesem. So thank you for reading and listening to what I have to say!