#3vermore

I love my tumblr family, hope you all are doing well. ♥

I miss you all so much. I'm bawling my eyes out thinking about the times we had this past summer. So much has changed. Thank you guys so mu h for everything you guys did for me. I still am so fucking thankful for that night you all stayed on tinychat with me while I cried. I love you guys so much. I miss you all and hope you guys are doing well. Stay strong.

I'm going to start out my saying I'm not at all in the right mind set right now and it took a lot for me to realize that. I was having a terrible night last night, I cut both of my arms up and really deep but some how, last night that wasn't enough and i didn't feel enough relief. I was really depressed and angry at myself and frustrated. I went on a long walk and I was having a really hard time staying alive. I'm going to start being honest and try to recover. I really don't want to recover. Cutting helps a lot. I'm still not in the right mind set, I want to be but I don't want to be in the right mind set because cutting feels good to me, people that have cut will understand where I am coming from. I went on the longest walk and the only thing that brought me home last night was my sister, she was crying and begging me to come home. I was walking for about 2 hours and at that point, my emotions were built up so much and I was so tired and frustrated that I took it out another way to feel more relief and physical pain. I kept banging my arm against many things and I kicked things. I hit my arm and my elbow so many times. I wanted the pain because the mindset that i am in, that's all I wanted and that's all I ever want. That is so bad and I wish I didn't think this way but that is just the way my mind is. I came home after that long walk and my sister ran to me and cried on my shoulders and hugged me and helped me clean out my cuts and everything, she is such a good sister, I don't know what I would do without her. I was in a lot of pain that night so I went to the hospital not too long after and I got an x-ray done because I thought it could have been broken because of all the swelling and pain but it wasn't so I'm glad but a part of me wished it was broken because a part of me thinks I'm no good and I deserve the pain I put myself through. I'm sitting here with all the cuts all over my arms and legs now and the bruises all up my arms, black and blue and purple and red and I'm thinking, thinking about more ways to harm myself and how this all even started. I need to be healthy, I need to get healthy for demi because where I am at, I don't think anyone would be proud. I'm not strong. I cry, I harm myself but I hide behind a simple smile and cheery attitude at school only to break down as soon as i get home or break down in the washroom at school. Nobody knows how tough my life is right now and what I have to go through. I'm really sorry to a lot of the people I have let down and I'm sorry to all the people that worry about me every day and I owe a lot to this girl especially, Gina. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry I have let you down yet again. But I'll get better one day. <3

Gina is crying.