#3ksg

Making a connection is difficult for me these days.. I don’t know if I’m numb to the process all together as a result of how I’ve handled relations since heartbreak. It maybe also how I prioritize. I tend to disregard my own emotions, and put my all in establishing myself but I struggle with that as well. Often feeling as though I don’t have the patience to deal with others feelings. If circumstances were different I might be more receptive and possibly that will change with time. I can be pretty intense and I don’t always think like how I feel is warranted but how can anyone value my feelings if I don’t consider them valid either?

I’ve been stuck trying to write a memoir and honestly just wasn’t sure how I’d go about completing it. I started years ago and I’ve made little progress. I’ve been very critical of myself and in retrospect I wasn’t in the right head space. I had forgotten when I began, I was sober. Since relapsing it’s been difficult to articulate emotions I was actively trying to suppress with drugging and drinking. Today was an emotional one. I’ve been attending AA meeting to help with my sobriety. I’ve heard on several occasions there how it’s important to feel your emotions and I can attest to how difficult it is to have all these bottled emotions surface at once. I was hysterical and felt helpless. I had been triggered by a conversation with my father and due to circumstances I felt the flood gates open. I was drowning and wanted freedom from how I felt. I spoke with my counsel as instructed to prevent a repeat of past behavior. I shared how I felt and was assured it was okay to be in that state and it’s better to feel this way than nothing at all. I’m struggling with my conscious to remain on this path, questioning just about everything as my mind races.