#365ys20

Things have been bad. I was pushing people away. I will wear a smile and blog about this and that but I’ve been drinking away most of my feelings and I’ve been just as bad as I was 2 years ago.

I’d thought about cutting again, like actively thought about it. The only thing that stopped me was me reminding myself I was getting my tattoo soon. It was a mental struggle, but I started working on my next tattoo design instead.

That brings me to 2 nights ago. I was talking with Sam on Skype and I told him my entire life story minus some details here and there, but the basic Yvonne story. And I mean the general conversation brightened my mood, his smile alone was enough to make me feel a lot better than I’d felt in weeks.

Talking about some of my lows with him, helped me to really see that I’ve been in some really low ass places and I really made me feel like things were going to be ok. He’s really an amazing person. I don’t even think he realized how much he was helping me.

So, things with my family have been crazy and stressful and I really realized just how toxic these people are to me so I have an extradition plan, but obviously it’s going to take time. Well in the mean time, they’ve really been eating away at my spirits left and right. And I came to the conclusion that I’m not really important to them and it’s always been about what I do for them. It was a shit realization, but it’s ok.

Well last night I was at my lowest of lows. I was honestly ready to kill myself. I really had to fight myself on this one. I was sobbing for hours in my studio and I just was really done with life.

I texted and called a few people, but it was late and no one was up so it was just me and my demons. I was literally fighting myself. I had locked myself in my studio because I knew it was the furthest away from anything I could really use to hurt myself and the thing about depression is that it’s draining so even if you think about killing yourself, you may not have the energy to do so. I had to remind myself of what happened last time I was at this point. Different details, same emotions. I had to remind myself of the conversation I just had with Sam about how far I’d come.

Fortunately I know myself so I just sat on the floor in my studio and sobbed for hours til I fell asleep.

And I woke up this morning and crawled into my bed and here I am. Still alive even though I really thought that was it last night.