#30daysofds

As a submissive, are you willing to allow a Dominant to discipline or punish you in your relationship? As a Dominant, are you willing to require discipline or give out punishment? What kinds of punishments can you imagine for bad behavior?

I was chatting with a friend last night, and she proclaimed that Sir and I were the only happily married couple she knew. And I was flattered, and a bit shocked.. you’d hope married folks would be happy. But then again, we weren’t at our best for years. Because I hid an essential need. My need for structure, accountability, discipline, and punishment to be my best self in a relationship. Not as a game, not funishment. But to be under his authority, to submit and obey or face consequences. If either of our dedication to that fades, so does our functioning.

So what does that look like? For the most part it looks gentle and loving. He openly discusses rules and expectations. He provides guidance and advice while enforcing boundaries. He’s willing to say no, to assert his final say. He considers my desires and pleasure, but recognizes my true happiness comes from his structure. From obedience. I might not be happy to be denied in the moment, but it frees my heart. And I reciprocate. I obey him, submit to him. I hold myself to his high standards. I thank him for saying ‘Yes’ and for saying ‘No’. Because I know that a ‘No’ is just as much of a gift.

But when I fail to meet his rules and expectations or when my attitude turns sour, I need him to be swift and harsh. To give verbal correction for my small indiscretions and physical correction for the large. Letting things slide feels like letting our relationship slide because of how I’m wired. And he steps up, meets my needs. And it seems to fulfill needs for him as well. We usually leave punishment feeling connected and settled, which is the whole goal for us. For punishment to be a tool that brings us back to each other, to our dynamic, and to how we function best.

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way. It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself. Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either. You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist? What exactly does a negotiation sound like?

Negotiation is an ongoing conversation for Sir and I. We discussed and set hard limits up front, and we found that we had the same limits. Beyond that, he has my blanket consent. I trust him to make good decisions for me and for us. We’ve had many discussion about making it all work. We regularly talk about needs, wants, and desires. We plan for the future, how to move forward. He has the final say and decision making power about the direction of our dynamic, but he values my voice.

We don’t have a contract. We didn’t want something quite so formal, especially since we were on the same page with our basic framework. I also wanted Sir to have the freedom to lead and exert his dominance in a way that felt natural to him. I worried that a contract might work to limit that, that we’d have to wait to renegotiate the contract to realize growth and change. We do have written rules though, which I maintain in a shared note on my phone. I make a note whenever he makes proclamations or states a preference. Not everything sticks or seems as important later, so occasionally we review and revise the rules.

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

Negative emotions are natural and normal. But once you’re in a D/s relationship, there’s an expectation of how you’ll behave with your partner. Both of you, regardless of how you identify, should be polite and respectful, but this is often easier said than done.

How do you handle negative emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear now? How do you expect that to be different in D/s?

In a perfect world, we’d just be the best versions of ourselves and be done with it. But the world isn’t perfect and neither are we. Negative emotions and bad attitudes happen to everyone, on both sides of the slash. Prior to developing our dynamic, I feel a lot of disagreements that involved negative emotions ended with distance and lingering hard feelings. Now when we have a spat, we have communication tools we’ve developed through power exchange to resolve it. We talk about issues and conflicts. We can resolve most things without the negativity. Most things. Communication still breaks down from time to time.

Sir is quick to acknowledge his role in things going south. And that he apologizes for any wrongs. And I apologize for my wrongs. Whatever the cause, we work until the negativity is resolved. And we talk about how to move forward.

Sometimes Sir is quick to forgive my bad attitude because he empathizes with why it happened or feels partially responsible. And that’s valid. But I respond best when my behavior is addressed separately from the underlying issue. So if I’m disrespectful or have a terrible attitude, he stops and addresses that first. Then we go back and address the cause and emotions. Just because bad attitudes happen, it doesn’t mean I ever want them to be acceptable in my relationship.

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

No matter how great a relationship may be, conflict, disagreements, and arguments will happen.

How do you handle conflict now? How do you imagine handling it in D/s? What do you think you’ll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?

In the cloudier days of our past, conflict was too often handled by harsh words and distance. Disagreements were a thing to be won. Once we transitioned to a D/s style relationship, how we handled conflict had to change. I first imagined that the change would come from Sir. That he’d somehow just be able to exert his dominance and squash the issue. But I found that to be an unrealistic expectation. As much as I want Sir to “make me” at times, it just didn’t happen like that. Change had to come from us both.

Not to say that Sir having the final say doesn’t help tremendously. There is no more fight to be won, no more contest. He wins by default. But if he never heard me out, never allowed me a voice or opinion, I think I’d grow to resent him. We live a full, rich life together. We parent together. He values my input, and I trust him to consider my positions. That trust grows my respect and confidence in his leadership, in his decision-making skills. So when he makes a decision or ends an argument, I know he has our best interests at heart even if I ultimately disagree.

A core change from my side of the slash is that I try my best to approach Sir with respect and deference. It’s ok for me to express a counterpoint or concern, it’s not ok to be impertinent while doing so. If I can’t control my attitude and behavior, we pause and he addressed the disobedience before returning to the discussion. I find the correction helps me settle and regain my submission. It resets us back to our roles, to where we function best, so we can put the conflict to rest.

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM.They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

The number one factor in whether your D/s relationship will succeed or fail is communication. Without it, you can’t build or keep trust, you can’t negotiate your kinks, and you can’t deal with problems. So it’s worth thinking about how you communicate and what’s important to you. It’s a big topic, so let’s start here:

What is your communication style? What happens when you try to communicate your thoughts or needs?

I like to imagine that I am a brave communicator. That I express my needs and desires clearly and fully. That I can speak without shame or hesitation to Sir, who is amazing at creating space to be vulnerable. To chat and discuss.

In reality, he often has to pull things out of me, slowly and likely with some frustration. I’m much better at writing out my thoughts. It gives me time to set aside any lingering shame and find my bravery behind a keyboard. Organize my ideas. Be a coherent human being. Meanwhile he communicates well with me. He seems to share none of my hangups and awkwardness.

They key for me is that my needs and thoughts do get communicated. It’s my responsibility to ensure Sir has all the information he needs to be a good leader, a good Master. Withholding for any reason isn’t fair to him or healthy for our dynamic. So even when I feel shame or hesitation, I know I have to push through it. That what we have is worth being uncomfortable.

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

My personal submission strives to be obedient. Respectful. I try not to brat. I’m not particularly spunky. I work to not be a smart ass. Sometimes I fail, but Sir corrects me and I grow. I thrive under his leadership, his strength, and his reason. I work to support those qualities and to cultivate my own qualities that please him. My submission is in following him. In championing him. In deference. I serve him at his pleasure, and I find my pleasure is in service to him. My submission is ownership. Him owning all of me, and me owning my attitude and behaviors. Striving to be my best, for him and for us.

I don’t believe my style of submission is the only way. Just like my ideas about Dominants, I believe that a good submissive is one who is suited to whatever dynamic they’re a part of. I don’t find many, if any, specific tasks or behaviors to be universal to submissives. Their submissive self could be spunky, demure, sexual, bratty, mouthy, quiet, service oriented.. there is a richness of diversity amongst submissives (and Dominants). The only universal is that the relationship is consensual and mutual. The basic structure is agreed upon. Rules and roles are negotiated in good faith.

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

I’ve started another 30 day writing challenge thanks to the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

So, let’s begin..

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?

When I first started my journey into D/s, I definitely had an idea of what made for a good Dominant. An ill-formed idea. My ideal Dominant was grown from erotica, pornography, and forum posts based in fantasy. They were fiercely protective and loyal. But also strict, harsh, and no nonsense. When Sir would give me a break, show compassion.. I’d almost feel betrayed. Like it was wrong in some way. I had a narrow view of dominance.

After living our power exchange relationship for some years now, I’ve come to realize that a good Dominant is one who is suited to whatever dynamic they’re a part of. One that serves their relationship. Someone who knows themself and their charge. So my new idea of what dominance looks like in a relationship is flexible. My relationship, my Dominant, and his dominance doesn’t have to look or function a certain way to be right. To be good. Nor does anyone else’s.

Safewords are the words or phrases we use in a kinky scene or while having sex to stop everything. Some people don’t want a safeword. We strongly suggest using a safeword when you’re in a new relationship or trying a new kink, but they’re not the only way to be safe either.

So, the question today is, what’s your safeword? If you don't want to have one, why not?

My safeword is simple - “safeword”. Sir insisted. I'd rather not have it, not in our long term 24/7 dynamic.. but I get it. It’s good to have if all other means of communication have failed due to an emergency. But otherwise, if I say "it really hurts" it probably does.. and I desire Sir to push me past my that from time to time. I don't want to be able to stop that, and I don’t want to be pushed to stop that. He knows the difference between inflicting pain and say, removing a nipple. My ideal use of a safeword is that we use plain language to communicate and reserve our safeword for a bodily emergency. If used, then Sir decides if it is truly an emergency or to continue on. That way it can’t be emotionally abused (to stop a punishment, get out of an argument, etc) and I'm not disappointed that I stopped something just because it was challenging. And Sir and the world still has that assurance that if something needs an immediate stop, we still have it around. 

—

Prompt courtesy of the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.