I tried calling a hotline, I promise Iām safe I just needed to talk to someone. A lot of people say theyāre here for me but I canāt trust that they will catch me. Oh my god though, I called the Trevor project and this bitch was blowing my mind. It was so bad and so dumb. the only reason I could stop crying was because of how awkward the silences were. could barely hear and couldnāt keep hearing ātake it day by dayā. I know I need to catch myself, but holy fuck it is so hard wanting to hear what I need to be told or want to hear and hearing it so rarely. Iām really grateful for my support team. Iām just a bit scared to fall asleep and wake up to worse news. I know this is the worst of it and Iāll get through it and this too shall pass and this isnāt the end.
Iām safe but I called a hotline so I could talk to someone. I really donāt know if I can trust my friends to catch me when they tell me theyāre here for me. this hotline person didnāt help at all. I only stopped crying because the silences were so awkward lmao. I know my dad will be ok. I know you donāt know whatās going on with that right now and thatās ok, itās a lot to carry and you donāt need to know it at 3:30. I think Iām just scared to go to sleep and wake up to worse news. I hope this is the worst of it and that it can only change for the better from here but I donāt know how I can know that. I know I have to be in present time, I just hate it. I really am scared about all responses I receive from everyone but my teacher. She told me all my tools are valid and Iām not helpless, the energy in my space may have me believe so though. and I know that I have support and am never alone. And I can go to the ascended masters or whoever I need for deeper help. Another asshole lady was an ascension haggardly skunk and shamed me for asking for help. Her own shame, of course, but strong enough to hit me where it hurts. I canāt meditate every second but I donāt want to let the fear consume me. Iām scared of being scared and I just want this to end and I want to talk to my dad and I canāt. And my family says we have to rely on each other but I donāt rely on them for regular life stuff as it is. and I think the weight of their grief is just as heavy as the weight of the world. I canāt find my oxygen mask to put it on first and I feel like Iām walking in a dark forest waiting to be saved but I was the only one told which way to go and I have to trust that over the fear. but itās really deep within there. I said this yearās word was Aliya because it means to rise up [to the challenges of life]. I seriously get it now. I just want a break. I am so heartbroken and so tired of it all. I think sometimes itās quite weird and impossible to be so sensitive but here I am doing the impossible but making it just as weird. I know this is long. I donāt know how to share this so I suppose this is a risk. I really donāt like getting this deep with people so fast so Iām uncomfortable but I guess thats where the growth is so here goes it
^10 mins 3:25-3:37am 3.22.20
I think I wish it were instead of him but maybe not. I feel I would have more control of it was
