I wake up in the morning in this bed, and for a moment I feel at peace, but then I reach my arm out and discover I'm touching the air, instead of the mattress. This twin bed is much different from the queen, when our beds were pushed together because our hearts were pushed together, but we have been so distant for so long now, being alone is not a change at all. Then my grogginess disappears and I get out of the sheets to stare at the girl I hold on to for dear life, she is everything I have left, and only for a few months longer, until the world takes her away. The world takes everyone away. I look at her, and I see him staring back at me. I know he isn't under her flesh, but it looks like he is some days and those are the hardest, the most challenging to surpass, still I file through them, twisting and aching. Hoping for the future - that I'll start seeing her for who she is. I'm afraid I have lost her, I think I know her, but some days I feel like her facade is weakened, that she is just like her father. Just like him. Lying straight through her jaw, even though she speaks the truth. Still I love her, I love her so much it hurts me but it is worth all of the pain, every single second of it. There is this idea in my head, one that I have thought about but regretted every wasted minute spent on the words I've read aloud to myself, inside myself...what if I had married someone else, would I be here today? Economically unstable, full of sadness. Would I have children who aren't so mentally unstable? Children who could be strong, instead of weak, because I cannot always be the strong one. But then I regret the thoughts immediately, because those children are mine, and it is not their fault that I created them. I will stick with the notion that I would do it all over again, every part, even the divorce, just to say that I got my children. Still, sometimes, I wonder.
