#29nov18

I had that feeling in my dream again that I had forgotten to do it.

It wasn't complete.

Was I just now getting out?

Then I remembered :

My service is over. Or rather, time served is complete. I was honorably discharged.

Do I regret not staying the 20?

In some ways. This may be the ghost that has been haunting me.

The pattern

The cycle

You're not done yet.

I barely got out alive, okay. Physically I was a shell in a costume .

They tried to break me down.

I wish I could have been strong enough to push through, okay. I could have been retiring next year.

Only I know what I went thru. Where was the help I needed I wanted to thrive I was choking snorting drowning

Who's to say those things wouldn't have come back even if I had decided to stay

The trauma would have been there

Compounded.

It hurts me to admit there was something I couldn't finish because..

No willpower?

My pride? What happened to that little girl.

I had to suffer a thousand deaths even once I did leave the service.

Self-punishment I guess.

It was as if I was at the hands of my abusers over and over.

It's been 9 years since that journey I took as I drove away from Fort Bragg back to where I came from.

9 year cycle. The end. The secrets, they're starting to disappear.

I can't go back. But how do I move forward when that ghost 👻 abuser in so many forms keeps mocking me & making me second guess if I can follow thru with short term goals let alone a future.

It's raining today. A mirage becomes a desert miracle.

Thanks little girl for believing in something. You made it thru those hard parts.

Shouldn't the rest be a breeze compared to all that .

We'll find out one day at a time.

Don't beg people to stay.