#247k

Bittersweet Love & Lifestyle Subs

OMG, I could not be more delighted to answer this question! It is exactly the distraction I needed right now.

Some prefaces:

Everyone is different in the kink scene. Everyone has different reasons and backgrounds and upbringings. Some see kink as a choice while for others it's an identity (so you might as well ask why someone is gay). It's a spectrum.

It's challenging to apply explanations around human behaviors on a broad scale. I will try, but broad brush strokes means mistakes will be made on an individual level.

I've been in the scene for (I suspect) longer than some of you reading this have been alive (no, I will not cop to it). The language has changed. I may misuse some terms as they are currently applied. AKA I may linguistically lean old fashioned.

My use of Dom also includes Domme and all other variations

10 Things vanillas don't often know about kinksters:

For some kink is just a bedroom sport. Roll play. Cops & robbers with the clothes off (or the right clothes on).

For others it's a lifestyle. Something done all of the time.

For some it's a sexual gratification. Often coupled to a fetish (or fetishes) but not always - kink and fetish do not mean the same thing.

For others its an emotional and/or psychological gratification.

For many it is all of the above.

Many subs can enter a state called "subs space." Sometimes this is endorphin related, for others it's meditative, for others it's similar to being under hypnosis, or very drunk/high. Some get there through their kink or fetish, some sexually, others can just go there with a command given in the right tone, Dom voice. For some it's the act of taking orders for others the lash for others it can be going down on their dominant.

Sub space done right is extremely cathartic, like a very very good massage. The release (whether coupled to sex or not) is apparently similar to a long drawn out mild orgasm. (I have never experienced sub space.)

Sub space (and indeed most kink sessions) often require aftercare. Coming back out of sub space and into a harsh reality can be very emotional and draining.

Achieving sub space is often desirable but not always required or necessary. It is possible to be a sub and not go into sub space.

Safe words are always in play. Don't do it without a safe word. Both Doms and subs should always have a safe word, for all things, including lifestyle. There is no discussion to be had around this. "I don't safe word" is not a flex, it's a turn off.

Also:

Hard limits = things the kinkster will not do. Both Doms and subs will have limits.

Soft limits = things the kinkster would prefer not to do but is open to negotiating.

Contract = an actual physical on paper contract regarding things like limits, negotiated and signed by both parties. (Not legally binding.) Common for lifestyle D/s or long term play partners. Not common for short term scenes, these are usually pre-negotiated verbal contracts.

Yes, you talk about what you will do, establish hard limits, and state safewords before you start. It's part of the fun.

Bittersweet Love

explicit domsub dynamics - under this context we are talking about what's referred to as a lifestyle D/s dynamic, or causally as 24/7 kink. This means not just bedroom sport but everyday activities are kinky. This is usually because the sub's main kink(s) has sexual, emotional, and psychological components to it. It is mostly confined to the home but can enter public spaces.

I've only been lifestyle with 2 partners (but one of those was for 5 years, and the other for 7, so I do have experience). I'm a dominant personality in general (I don't switch) but I find being a Dom 24/7 pretty exhausting. It means the onus is on the Dom to make most decisions throughout the day.

"I don't understand the appeal of being a doormat as a lifestyle"

Putting aside Bittersweet Love for the moment (since that seems, at least initially, an involuntary choice from the sub), I can answer this.

Someone once said:

"everything in this world is about sex, except sex, and that is about power"

At its root, regardless of any other reasoning, kink is about power exchange, it is about control and who has it.

What many subs enjoy is the loss of control, the willing or unwilling surrender of control, and the lack of agency. What these subs want is the kind of weightlessness that comes from someone else being in charge. The whole point is: for others to make decisions for them. They want not to choose. (Although it can be fun to force them to choose. "Pick your toy" is a fav game of mine, only they have to pick between 2 of their least favorites.)

Now, some subs are after the endorphin rush, and others very much do get off on the pain (pain sluts, my beloveds). For those who keep kink in the bedroom, the control is vested in a limited time of exchange.

But for those who go 24/7, or who gravitate naturally into a D/s dynamic (maybe even not officially a lifestyle) the power exchange simply occupies more time out of every day.

Doormat is... not a word we would use. I would say subs actually have the most strength in a relationship (and ultimately the real power, since a safe word will stop everything). The ability to relax and entirely trust another person, to give over power like that? I can tell you from experience that I am neither brave nor strong enough for it. (Never trust a Dom who hasn't physically been through what they are going to put you through. Dom training is very important, whether they like it or not. A Dom shouldn't dish what they haven't taken. It's like tasting what you cook before serving.)

Okay so, what is the appeal of being a sub 24/7?

Pleasers - for a sub who is a pleaser, lifestyle is an opportunity to cater to their Dom's needs and wishes whenever they are together. Pleasers like to be told what to do, because then they know exactly what is required of them (no surprises). They know what will make their Dom happy every day. They thrive on structure. Their Dom's attention and gratitude is focused on them, and them alone. Pleasers usually have a praise (or a gift) kink. They want to be thought about, even when the Dom is away from them. You have to be careful with pleasers because they will do something they genuinely do not like (and may be bad or dangerous to them physically/mentally/emotionally) if they think it will please their Dom. It is very important with pleasers for the Dom to know themselves and their own desires extremely well. Also, there needs to be more than the normal amount of negotiation. (I would draw up a full contract with a pleaser.) You have to know hard limits with pleasers, because they are the least likely to use a safe word when they should. They take immense pride in "being able to take it for their Dom" even if they don't like it.

Service subs - similar to pleasers these subs like meticulous instruction, being told exactly what to do. In my experience, it isn't as much about the attention as it is the appreciation. They like to be efficient, usually in the background, but still valued greatly. For them kink sessions and sexual play are a kind of reward (their Dom's attention is special), something they must (and like to) earn through hard work. These subs rarely like public scenes, usually they are quite private people. If there is a service sub living the lifestyle in your vicinity you probably don't know about it. However, this is a dangerous kink/lifestyle because service subs are very easy to take advantage of, and they will feel taken advantage of and do not like/get off on it. There is a very fine line between service submission and domestic abuse so it's safest when the counterpart is a Caring Dom, and even then I'd renegotiate regularly. Service subs need to be checked in on constantly (they don't like it, but they need it) and they must be forced to express opinions. As opposed to...

Humiliation kinksters - subs with strong humiliation kinks want to be told to do things that are objectively degrading. They find comfort and sexual gratification in the grotesque. They usually get off on begging. I've never dated someone with this particular kink focus (although I have played a few times) so I can't answer to the deeper psychology in play. But, I do practice psychological manipulation so I know some of where the sub space is sourced. There is a relief in being told to do something you do not want to do "for your own good" or simply at the whim of your dominant. It's the ultimate in powerlessness. (Master/slave also has this dynamic.)

Brats - lifestyle brats like the challenge. They are usually attention hogs (affectionate) and just love to be told what to do with the option to challenge and then be disciplined into submission. They like the push pull of the power play, the wit and backtalk, and the relief of being able to say and do whatever they want knowing they will be brought to heel when necessary. Essentially, someone else is taking responsibility for their bad behavior. Brats are often exhibitionists, they like to make a public scene. Brats are a ton of fun but a ton of work. The danger with brats is they will challenge for the sake of it, and it's often hard to figure out exactly what they do want, because they will lie just to get a rise out of their Dom. They are the sub version of "do it for the plot."

Littles/pets - these are subs who like the full transportation of roll play. It's comparatively rare for this particular dynamic to last long as a lifestyle simply because it's not very practical. But it's not unheard of, and usually this would be hidden entirely in a private setting - so like work-from-home, independently wealthy, etc... There are whole books written about this, and it's not in my personal wheelhouse. (I have done some pet play scenes, but age play is a hard limit for me.)

Pain sluts - I don't know any of these who are lifestyle. Or they are lifestyle but for one of the other reasons listed above. It's in the moniker, most pain sluts are actually turned on by pain. No, really. Depending on the fetishes involved, pain sluts are in the most long term physical danger from a lifestyle option.

(People can also be combos, just fyi. That 5 year 24/7 I had, my ex was mostly service sub but also a brat. The 7 year one was mostly just a pleaser. And before you make assumptions, they were different genders. I've no stats, but in my experience these do not break down on predictable gender lines. Although some fetishes definitely do.)

I should add: 24/7 doesn't always mean fully that. To integrate into society full time kinksters either have jobs that allow for it (ah the connection between sadist and tattoo artist) or (usually) subtle ways of practicing in public so the lifestyle is not broken just dormant. Jewelry that looks "normal" but is locked on. Physical gestures that indicate control is being exerted, or signals that the sub wants to be removed from a situation or given proof of ownership.

(That bratty ex loved a kabedon at a club. Loved it. Especially if I could use it when they were flirting with someone else to take them away. Public claiming for the win.)

Are we finally on to Bittersweet Love?

Yes, we are. The sub in question is a service sub. IMHO

The Dom in play is an emotionally distant control freak. (As opposed to Jay in Payback who is a sadist.)

These characters actually do not appear to be very kinky in bed, which I know is confusing to watchers. Except that the Dom is obviously in charge and "taking" from the sub. (Par for the course with BL semes.) Because Bittersweet Love not about the trappings of kink (like whips and cuffs etc) it's about the power dynamic between this pair. One of them likes to be in charge, and enjoys it, and the other one likes to be bossed around, and enjoys it.

That is assuming this kink dynamic is being represented accurately by this narrative.

Which I am not sure about, as yet.

This is China after all.

And we don't call it CBL toxic without reason.

At least I don't.

(source)