Christmas Caper (2007)
This movie aired on 21 Days of Christmas on ABC Family (RIP! I miss you every day!). It stars Shannen Doherty and, uh, a bunch of people I don’t care about. I’m just in it for Shannen.
Description: “A Grinch-like thief retreats to her hometown in Connecticut after a con goes bad and gets stuck baby-sitting her niece and nephew until their parents can make it home for Christmas. She spends most of her time devising ways to even the score with Clive, her partner in crime, until the spirit of the holidays can help put her priorities back on track.”
My prediction after five minutes: She’ll go to her hometown, see the guy she broke up with in high school and imagine what her life could have been if she weren’t a thief. He’ll need money to save his mother's house and she’ll offer him money, then renounce her life of crime and have to rally the town to save his mother's house without stealing.
Better than my prediction? Nope. Incredibly, this movie was worse than that awful prediction. This movie was more boring than cold canned soup.
RATING:
Candy Canes: 2 out of 5
Any movie with a decorating montage gets a bonus cane. But other than that, this movie was like a five year old saying the pledge of allegiance: it technically did everything it was supposed to (there was a romance, secondary characters got paired off, etc.), but the movie rushed through it all and obviously didn’t actually listen to what it was saying.
Dean Cains: 1.5 out of 5
Shannen Doherty’s face on the cover says it all: dead eyes, supposed to be making a “shhhh” gesture but not bothering to move her mouth or even to actually put her finger over her lips. That’s the level of passion and attention to detail she delivers all movie. And the kid playing her niece has the most punchable face I’ve ever seen on an 8 year old. (Sorry, Santa, but I’m not going to LIE about it.)
Citizen Kanes: 0.25 out of 5
Quarter point for a character who’s squatting in an alternate-reality Sears. Other than that, nothing about this movie was an ion better than it needed to be.
TOTAL: 3.75 out of 15. Dismal.
WTF Moments:
*All through the movie, there are references to Shannen Doherty being young ... enough that I started to wonder if it was written into her contract. I mean, I’m not here to bodyshame but it’s a fact that she is visibly in her late 30s in this movie (37 when they filmed), and has had some bad eye work that ages her a little more. I was beginning to wonder if I was just making up the age propaganda, then a character receives this fax:
*Throughout the movie, there’s super weird sexual tension between Shannen Doherty’s character (Whateverina) and her teenage newphew (Fake Dustin From Stranger Things). At one point, she’s trying to steal a marshmallow from him and he hides it like three millimeters from his ass. At the emotional climax of the movie, he tells her she’s the only one who understands him and she responds: “Where were you when I was 12?” Listen, Whateverina: You JUST stopped stealing shit...don’t immediately diversify your rap sheet by molesting your nephew.
*The set design! Observe, a normal scene of a man in a diner. Cute, right? Christmassy!
Aside from the fact that he’s eating a milkshake with a spoon like a pervert and inexplicably stealing part of her milkshake even though they both obviously ordered the same thing. And — wait!—what’s that over his shoulder?!
Okay, but there can’t be more—oh god.
But at least they’re not violent?!
Yes, an actual human production assistant was told: “Rip off the one creepy elf’s head and have the creepier elf grind it through a mill. No, this isn’t a plot point or acknowledged by any of the characters and there’s never a close-up. Ms. Doherty just isn’t comfortable eating ice cream unless there’s a homicide tableau within 10 feet.”
...not going to lie, these little psychos are the only reason I’d ever watch this movie again. At least they give me SOMEONE to root for.
