#20230720

しゅきしゅきだいしゅき会えるの楽しみ〜♥ってなってた5分後くらいにはバカみたいだなどうでもええわという感情に変わってしまうのはなんなん？一体私とは？？どれも本当の私なんだけど。うーん？

i finished the secret history now that i have no classes anymore for this therm. it left me in shambles it left me as a broken person. henry what the actual hell. thank god the cat is doing fine because everytime an animal appears anywhere i immediately feel anxious and sad that something will happen to them. and i cant believe that they've gotten away with murder twice. i guess that was henry's gift to them or something of that sort. in the end he really did stay loyal to all of them. i still hate him though. but i also love him. i'm glad richard didn't die when he was shot because really his stupidity shouldn't be the reason for his death. charles was out of his mind but honestly i cant blame him. poor francis was trying to help but somehow only made it worse. camilla started to have some personality towards the end though you know maybe she was never able to express herself because she grew up surrounded by guys who liked her for her boysishness and probably would not have liked her if she would have shown up dressed in a cute cocktail dress. i have nothing to say about bunny because i was rooting for his death ever since he first spoke.

自分が化粧映えする顔であると知ってからずっと、化粧した顔、選んだ服、アクセサリー、全体の強そうな雰囲気、に価値があると思っていて、それは今でも治らない。以前の男に相手にされなさと、顔への自信のなさがそうさせる。今は可愛い可愛いと言ってくれる彼氏がいるし、だいたい初対面の男はニコッとしとけば優しい。優しくし続け、心を許している素ぶりをすれば、なんとなく好かれてるな〜とは思う。告白までは絶対にさせないけど、わたしのこと悪くはおもってないんだなと思うし、たいていの（わたしがタイプと言うような）人とは頑張れば付き合えると思う。それでも彼氏がいいんだと言い続けるのは、自分がそう決めたから。そして同じような話をずっとしてしまうのは、きっと心の奥で迷いがあるからだけど、迷いだって見せなければそうじゃないし。誰にも話さないって決めてるから1人でここに書いてる。心揺れる時もあるし、迷うこともあるけど、でもこれはずっとあることだし、わたしは今の彼氏を選び続ける。実際、どう冷静に考えてもこの人が一番。こんな時間までこんなことをつらつら書いてしまったけど、明日ちゃんと起きられますように、、