#2011feb

2.17.2011 | 📸 @kristinemaeb

UPDATE 23rd February: It turns out Vancouver is only the 29th-best place to live in Canada. Those standards must be pretty high.

Gates Warns Against More Wars Like Iraq and Afghanistan - NYTimes.com

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. "It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said 'I've had my eye on you, Roger,' and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming," said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. "Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?" A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced "Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We're coming for you next. Put on something nice."

  (Drum roll)  V.O. Ladies and Gentlemen. Please welcome your hosts for this evening... James Franco and Anne Hathaway (Music and applause) (James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect) JF Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards, Live from Los Angeles. AH That's foreign for City of Angels. And this room is certainly filled will those angels. (Applause) JF Thank you. I'm James Franco. AH ...and I'm Anne Hathaway. JF You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.  AH And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.  JF It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.  JF Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!  AH No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.  JF Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.  AH But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London... (Nervous laughter)  He's doing some charity work. Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer.  He's telling them what bald little losers they are...  JF Yeah, cos he's rude right? (Applause) Thank you. No rudeness tonight. It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners. (Applause) That's not to say that we don't care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they'd been living off dead beetles all their lives.  AH Yeah and Yoko Ono said. "What's wrong with that?" (Laughter) JF Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way. (Nodding and smiling) That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity. (Murmurs of agreement) Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny."  AH Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?  JF It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have botox or suck up to important producers - there's something wrong with him.  AH There must be. Why isn't the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?  JF That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.  AH Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that's better than being fat right?  JF You bet it is gorgeous.  AH You are so handsome.  JF Exactly. You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.  AH Really? JF Yes. He'd often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes. AH And then vomit right?  JF No he left that bit out... (Mild laughter)  AH That's because he couldn't get his fat fucking fingers in his stupid mouth. (Big laugh)  JF Anyway let's get this show on the road. There were some great kids' movies this year. I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.  AH Did you enjoy it?  JF No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me..." (Laughter) AH Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.  JF Absolutely. So let's get this show on the road. Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss... The wonderful... Mel Gibson... (Standing ovation)