Too Long for Bloggers to Read
For my entire childhood I was bullied, rejected, and shunned. I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time and never said the right things to fit in. With each move, from school district to school district, I felt myself curl further and further into my shell, like a turtle afraid of the light. It didn’t help that when I got home I was either ignored or barked at to do my chores and homework and then consequently ignored again. I know this all sounds like “Middle Child Syndrome,” but I ask you to put yourself into my shoes and pretend to know the ounce of agony I felt not belonging anywhere, day in and day out.
This letter/post isn't to chide you and tell you what you did wrong. I just want to make it clear that the person I am today is of no way shape or form attributed to the great skills you have of being a parent. With everything that I have accomplished and quite frankly fucked up, I have done so on my own. After the years of counseling I realized that when you had Susan you kind of stopped aging mentally so everything that seems like a big deal to a 20 year old is a big deal to you still 20 years later. This realization was a huge comfort to me because it made me realize that I DIDNT do anything wrong as I had suspected all those years ago. This epiphany is actually the whole reason that you and I have this relationship that we do now. And to be honest Mom I wouldn’t change it for the world. Let me clarify that the previous statement does not absolve you of the bullying and abuse I faced as a child at your hand, it just means that now I understand where it comes from.
I hope to continue our relationship for the rest of our days because it has become one of my most valuable possessions. I am a better person every day because I have your love and you have mine; no matter what stupid shit we get into. You are my Mom, you are my best friend.
Huh. I think this will be quick and petty only because i’m pretty hurt. When you got deployed I was so scared. You only went to Spain though right? Then Berlin, Paris, Aleppo happened and the only one who was concerned was me. You are a Marine to protect our freedom and in return I protect your dark secrets and your personal blemishes. “How is Susan?” “How is Eli?” “I haven’t spoken to Chaz in a while what’s going on?” For eight months I spoke to our mother and our sister on a regular basis and not once did I crack.
I’m really not sure what I did to hurt you or did wrong because the one who told Ally was your husband. After protecting your personal business for eight months your information was spread by not I, but our little sister. Spread through Hooters and to our mother and from sea to shining sea. But when I message you repeatedly and receive no answer I think to myself “Oh God what happened in Spain?.” I looked up Spanish news and paper articles only to find that it is all sunny in Spain, and through a call from our mother that you visited Ally in Hooters two weeks ago today. So Susan, what am I to do with this information? When I have fought to keep your dirty laundry hidden and fought for you through texts with our mother telling her to give you time, that you will come around because you always do!? Blind trust. Unwavering devotion. What a laugh.
Maybe I deserve the bullying and the cold shoulder, or maybe it’s just because i’m weak and I care what people think of me. Either way your silence was deafening. So good luck with your divorce, and your upcoming custody battles and also your “struggle” with your sexual orientation. If you need me then I think you know where to find me.
P.S. I think that you know what you want.
What are you doing? I don’t mean that in a negative way, just that I fail to understand your end goal here? I don’t know what to say to you that hasn’t been said already. “Stop having an attitude,” “Don’t move out you can’t afford to,” “Stop dating Chris, he saps away at your beautiful soul every day,” “Why are you working at Hooters,” “Don’t be a Stripper Ally, want more for yourself,” “Please stop doing drugs,” “We love you.”
I will never understand why you still to this day love drama; it’s just the one thing that fuels you. You meddle in peoples relationships to entertain yourself and as much as you don’t want to hear it, That is Wrong. You think you can’t be happy unless you are a 10/10, or Lead Hooters Girl, or you have the most likes on Instagram; and at the end of the day I blame society. However, the one thing that I will never let you do is blame me for your problems. When I left all those years ago it wasn’t about you or Susan or anyone else except for me. I think today you might understand how I felt, because you tried to do the same thing I tried to do. It’s not glamorous or artistic is it. The whole thing just screams Rock Bottom.
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
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If you made it this far good on ya. To explain in short: Family Drama. I can't send this to the people it’s about because, quite honestly, I don’t want a response. Right now I feel very abandoned by my family and I guess it’s all right? Anyways, i’m just expressing myself and lets face it you probably read the first two lines and skipped to the bottom. So there’s your explanation, hope you enjoyed the bad grammar. Happy Scrolling!
