#180days

Trigger warning; suicidal ideation, near suicide attempt, thoughts of self-harm.

I had a plan. I packed a bag and was set. I knew my goodbyes and knew my destination. My partner calls and calls but I decline and decline. Eventually I call her scared and she had tripped running to my house trying to stop me. Trying to save me.

I bring everything with me and walk to where she said she was, our park. I see her laying in the grass in tears. She can barely move her leg. I said “babe what can I do to help?” softly. She responds with tears running down her face “get home safely”.

Slowly but surely we get her up and I walk her to the house and back to her bed. Safe and sound for her. She cannot stop crying both about her leg and about me. I hate that I hurt her but I feel she has no idea how much I struggle internally on a daily basis. I cry myself to sleep most nights.

We talk quietly about what was going to happen which was mostly tears. What I remember mostly was when I finally got her to get to sleep (which wasn’t easy by the way) a wave of suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. I was shaking and near tears. I was hard to wake her up but when I did she comforted me with her warm embrace. I just kept saying that I wanted to fucking die and how I wanted to burn and cut myself up. It was not a pretty site to see.

She eventually invites me back into the bed as I was sleeping on the floor so I wouldn’t hurt her leg further. My backpack is locked in another room and I’m shaking. It’s too far from my person. I’m near from having an panic attack over it. I begin to shake. My breath is shallow and shaky. She tells me to breathe slow but I can’t. I just want to jump off a cliff.

Leo Fitz had never planned on being a high school teacher, but here he is. Now his only goal is to survive the next 10 months, but with his flat mate's girlfriend working in the same building, and an incredibly cute colleague across the hall, that may prove to be more difficult than he'd ever imagined.