#16augusts

Most of the time I just feel fat. Whether or not I look it I don't know. I think I look it. I'm a size 10/12 clothes size but that means nothing. My stomach is still so fat and my thighs are like mountains. Sometimes I think I do literally complain about it to the point where I get fed up with myself and that leads to cutting.

If you follow me then you know I cut so this shouldn't be surprising. Originally I did it for the fact of being a superficially naive twat. I'm still a twat. Now I'm just a really fucking miserable one. I always tell people that cutting doesn't hurt, but it does. I say it doesn't hurt because out of the physical pain of bleeding and the mental pain that makes you bleed, cutting is much more manageable. Most people don't really seem to understand why you do it; why would you want to physically scar and damage yourself? I don't know the answer to that. I don't think anyone does. I tell myself it's because I want pain to manage. It's probably because I need  distracting. I've never had the intention to cut my wrists. Never. I have tried to kill myself, but by a completely different method. As of recent times I have cut my wrists. I've been cutting for maybe two years. You might think that because I still do it then I haven't told my parents. I have. They know. They just don't care.

Which brings me on to the subject of my parents. I call them my parents but when I do I mainly refer to my Mum and step-dad. As far as I'm concerned, my Dad is just the guy I'm biologically related to that I have to live with. He's not a father. As in the song A Trophy Father's Trophy Son there is a line which says "Father, tell me where have you been? It's been hell not having you here. I've been missing you so bad and you don't seem to care." This pretty much sums up my relationship with my Dad. While I do live with him, he seems absent. While he does sometimes acknowledge my exist, I crave a real father figure. He found out I cut; he said nothing. He asked me why then dropped the subject. He offered to take me to the doctor's and I said yes. When asking him about this promise the other day he replied by telling me that I was going through a "stupid little phase" and that I would "easily get over it if I stopped being selfish." My step-mum is just as bad, with her attitude to everything being "get the fuck over yourself" to the point where when she found out I cut she basically laughed at me and told me that I was being stupid and naive and that if I went to the doctors I would be wasting their time when they could be treating something with an actual illness. It's fair to say that she doesn't like me at all and that's all I have to say about her because I honestly wish she would never have met my Dad.

Going back to A Trophy Father's Trophy Son, there is also the chorus. While this song is supposed to be about absent parents, the chorus is pretty much my life in lyrics. "Why are you running away? Was it something I did? Did I make a mistake? I'm trying to deal with the pain, I don't understand this, is this how it ends?" I constantly feel put down by everyone. I know this is never their fault and is always because of my non-existent self-esteem. I mostly push people away for no reason whatsoever and it always ends up badly. I tend to push away the people who want to help and I never mean it. I always feel so horrendous that I'm so horrible to these nice people that it just makes me feel worse about myself. This then makes me feel as if I don't deserve to talk to people and then push them away. It's a vicious cycle that has proved tough to crack. I still can't crack it, but I'm getting better.

I'm guessing this is the reason I can never get close to people. I don't tell people my problems, and I'm pretty much expecting nobody to read this. I don't really think people actually care that much. People say they do, but then I can never seem to view them as bothered. I hate telling people my issues because I have so many of them and I just feel as if I'm annoying them and attention seeking by telling them. This really doesn't help with my self-harming. I hate the fact that only if you cut yourself is it called self-harm. I feel as though many of my problems can also count, though they are all in my head. The feeling of never being good enough, of being too ugly and of being a disappointment all came from me. All of them are problems created by me. Couldn't this count too?

Lastly, the topic of friends. I feel as though this has gone on for too long and I've basically just killed my chance of anyone liking me on tumblr. I refer to people I talk to at school and sometimes hang around with as friends. I think this word is used to lazily. They are not exactly friends, more acquaintances. They do not like me and I feel as though they talk to me because they feel bad for me. I compliment them; they don't compliment me but they compliment each other. I have a problem, I tell them, they move on. They don't really care and they don't understand how much I try. They don't seem to get it. 

1. Dream job?

I honestly don't know, I think I want to travel to Italy and live in a cute little apartment and study photography and sit in lovely cafe's and drink coffee.

That wasn't really a good answer but it's most accurate at the moment I think.

game: what was the last board game you played?

i think it was monopoly like a week ago

10/10 followed x

eyebrows! you could just draw them on or something instead :P