#15.1.11

So today is Paul's birthday and he's turning 11. I texted his phone exactly at midnight telling him happy birthday, but he was asleep and he didn't even notice until I told him about it around noon today. Yeah it might be weird for me not to come into his room and yell happy birthday, but I don't know. Everyone was already asleep, I didn't want to be a nuisance since my mother was dead tired from work and today she had to prepare things for his party. I don't know, I just have a very weird sibling relationship with my brother. I went reflecting back on how I acted as a big sister to him, but it made me realize that I wasn't even a good sister to him. I mean the thing I remember the most is annoying the hell out of each other throughout our lives. And like how badly I treated him, I felt like I neglected him and only now I've come to realization about this which I feel ashamed about. I remember how one time we were so angry at each other that it ended up us physically fighting. I mean words hurt, but the next thing you know a fist comes at you and hold onto it, pushing the other person back. I know I shouldn't regret things, but I just want to take back how I acted towards him. My mom told me before how (my goodness I'm getting teary) when they leave meaning passing away, a person that will always have a connection with me is my brother and that we'll always have each other's back and how we should love each other and stop fighting so often. I mean it's not like I don't like him or anything, it's just that I get annoyed sometimes. He just have bad timing when I'm not feeling very jolly or good to talk to. I'm going to make it up to him though plus we have our good times together talking about cartoons we like, video games, and mostly the things he like. The plan is to get him to play sports, and I will get him to play! He's already about to go to middle school and I'm about to graduate, I mean the most moments I remember from school started during my transition from 5th grade to middle school. He's just growing up, like seriously he's taller than me now he's going to be exposed to things. Something like the coming of age phase..I don't know. I just hope I can be a good sister to him and that we'll always have each other's back plus front covered. And even though most of the time we annoy and fight each other, I still love him and too bad I'm not good at saying that out loud.