#13raindrops

I’m feeling the most anxious tonight

I haven’t been really alone in so long. It feels magnetic. Exciting. Sad. Freeing. I love being alone. I’ve always needed it and will probably continue to. And usually when I feel a pull towards another I still would rather have my solitude. But not with you. Ha however. Here I am. Alone.

I’ll stop myself from saying it forever so we can always be in this moment.

I wanted to kiss this person. We sat and drank and laughed. At times we touched each other’s hands and giggled. Then I said it “I want to kiss you”. Thinking back on it— it is true that they’re special yes. And there was something between us that felt like affection. But it was all me. I’m so quick to feel comfortable enough with a lovely person to want to be intimate. It’s not that I was wrong. It’s inevitable to feel this way when you spend tender time with another. But it was just me. I moved with my truth and announced it. As I always do. They told me they didn’t want to and I cut that thread in my heart. Not to be dramatic but as respect for myself and them. It was weird though maintaining that intimacy throughout the evening without actually crossing the threshold that moved into sex. It was lovely. And ending. But lovely.

I just want to hold your hand. That’s all.