#132021

I yearn for Stardew dates and getting the door slowly closed on us as passions come claim us like piranhas wreaking havoc on each other’s bodies.

I yearn for an airport hotel and a weekend where the horizon of the world ends at the door to our room and we’re the only two people in the world except the fun it’ll be knowing that people will overhear us.

I yearn for incredible cuddles with a german shepard and specifically traveling to your city to have none of it remembered but every last detail of your body imprinted on my brain like let’s reshape the wrinkles that mean Beauty into the form of your body. I yearn for Love. To be honest. And it is going to be a year of yearning because I know I cannot and should not have it, for now at least. I’ve got a decent hunk of work to do, and I am So Stupidly excited to do it. A single year with this therapist has just reframed and reworked conceived notions I’ve held as factual beliefs for years and I’m just Better for it. I know I have issues on my own, and I know I have issues in a relationship, but this person helps me believe not only can I work on them, but that I can improve without hurting people. I can see it like as a timeframe now, it’s not just some nebulous improvement for the future, it’s not just an “as the opportunity arises” improvement. It’s “Well this week I encountered thing A which lead to philisophical XAE which I guess doesn’t work and affected relationship 1-5 or more directly 2,4, and 5.” I have a plan, and it relies on talking, exploring, living and loving and learning in ways more efficient than I have ever imagined possible. My Therapist is sitting up taking notes on every talk I have with my therapist and by fucking Gods I am improving my ways to help people too.

I Yearn, to love those who are so far away. To go to every house of every person I’d call a lover and show them Exactly how it feels to be Loved so Thoroughly I want it to warm their hearts and awaken positive emotions they have discarded through trauma. I want to heat their minds to a fervor that their lives are secure and improving and that they have room for Passion. I want to Burn through their souls and take every ounce of self doubt or toxcicity away I want to Love them. Gods, do I just want to love you. I yearn, for a tarrot reading. I yearn, to have my eyes roll back with pleasure at your touch. I yearn, to show you every way love feels that your ex made you forget. Gods do I yearn, and I don’t think it’s getting better. It fills my mind daily, like pouring more hot chocolate to fill up the mug I am Overflowing with it. I’m lucky i have friends who let me love them casually, otherwise I’d be in a real shit state when I can’t say it to you directly. And hey, on the topic of friends. I yearn for them too, for the first time in memory it’s like I have Allowed myself to want things and it’s only ever people now.

I have gotten stable enough and secure enough my brain is like “No more goblin college kid, now we are allowed to Live”. 

I want to have some fuckin live D&D sessions this year. I want to visit Cali and f̞̮̟̰͓u҉̠̼̺̻̜̫̦͕̺ć̷̳̫̤͙͓͉͢ͅk̲͎̼̪̱̥̟͝ o͙͟͠r͏̸̳ͅͅͅ ̵̠͕̞͖̼͜h̡͚̙̪̀͝a̴̗͙̟̬̝n̸͚̪̰͈̤͔̹͝͡ͅͅg͞͏̗̙̭͔͢ ̧̳̮̱̫̞̥̘͟o̧̝͍̬u̸̼̰̝͓͞t̻̭̖̝̘̬̠ ̤ẁ̦̻͢i̸̺̮̲̕t̨͏͉͘h͚͙̻͜ m̹̮̫͈̪͈̘̫y̺̞̰ ̵̢̗͚͔̝̺̯̻͚f̢̖̗̞͚̣̥͎͎a̞͖̦̥̹̯̮͠ͅv͉̝̯͓̝̭̣͚ǫ͇̳̗͕̳̮̰̰r̵̜̞̲̜i͠҉̷̫̙̙̻̹͙͔t͏͔͓͈̜̻̩͈̟͘͢e̛҉̶̼̰̠͖̦ ̡̤̩̠w͙͕̯h̗̳͈̻̕͠͠i̶̖̰t̺̱̠̟͇͙͡e̴̪̙̞͎̟̬̙͔ ̢̛̬͙̫̪͝b͓͍̠͓͞o̫͎̣̩̟y͙̥̱̫̜̯̣͘ ̢͓͖̙̤̰̬s̫̫̖̮͎̰̝̀͢h̸̡͏̯̖̗͈̬̮̦͕̗o̵̡̳̥̙̬̲̠̥͠ͅu̴̟̣̪̹̜͡l͏̺̩͓̮̭̣̥͉͡d̟̬ ҉̵̲̜͕t̸̻̦͓͕͉̹̰̫i҉̵͚̟̲̱̼̼m̱̦͔̯̦͈è̝̫̣̺͎̯̙̥̼̕/̼̼͓̭͈̘̝̺r̨̗͈̼e̴̦̻̲̺͔͉̳̲ļ̸̘͙͕̭̺̥a҉̝̟̼̙̜͎̣t͎͈̰̭͍͙ͅi҉͚͔̝̦͍͞o̭̮̼̻̖̲̣͟n̫͚̗̤̣̕s̶̛͚͉͖̣̠̜͢ͅḩ̧̖̩̜̘̰͟i̜̰̯̲̖ͅp̠͚̟̞̣ͅş̧̧̻͇/͜͏̜̝͈͠d͇͕̥̟͉͔͈y͖̹̻͍̝̦̗͜s̡̜̻̺̱͘m̺̟o̸̷̠̠r̝̙̫̯̘̹̼p̫̫͖͍̟̭͘h̶̟͔͎̫̖͘i̴̞͉̞̟̘̦̭͘͜a͔̜ ̴̸̼̙͎̺̝p͏͕̞̭̦̲̞͚͖̘e̵̢͈͇̯r̵̶͙͓͙̜̤̙̗͙m̖̜̮̯̹̠̹i̴̻͔̹̱̯͔̟͠͠t̤̦̰̥̤͓͍͕͘. And see my friends! I want to see these new friends I’ve made! To come see where it is that they live and exist and work and I want to just Be with them. Fuck, this pandemic may be getting to me, I actually want to be with people..

I yearn to be around them, I want to be with people I love and care for and I’m able to?? Realistically?? Weekends or weeks of vacation, sparsely rationed out, I can Do This??

I’m so ready, a year of yearning and love and I will Satiate it. To have such burning desires is wonderful, to be able to feed it even more so. To have love stretching every last corner of my brain and the people to receive and reciprocate that. I’m luckier than I ever dared dream. Thank you for being here. And I wish those who I can’t express to were here as well. I’ve found a body of Me, fueled like a furnace with Love and Passion till my skin is hot to the touch, surrounded by people who both fuel me and take enjoyment from the warmth.