#12172022

Checked out Nhung’s new house!

Happy Lamb Hotpot

Christmas Secret Santa

Sleepover at John’s house

Sunny Side Cafe and watched the world cup at the restaurant

Hi it's been awhile. I guess I'm here to update how I'm doing now. First off, I've work on some pretty cool projects now. It seems like some of that hard work paid for something. And the first time seeing my name in some of the titles I worked on feels somewhat hollow. Like yeah I should be proud that I worked together with so many people to make these projects happen, but I just feel empty inside. Doesn't feel like I really did anything, although we did work on a portion of the game, there's no satisfaction. And also, I guess I'm on not too great terms with my first company. They decided to take my name off one of the projects I worked on so that kinda sucks. May have unintentional damaged one of the bridges into the industry.

Loneliness still hasn't gone away. Makes it even worse that R is already doing alot better than me since his past relationship. He told me he's already dating someone for a month now just earlier. And here look at me, still miserable since I left school. It hurts more that I haven't gotten anywhere other than maybe finding jobs here and there. Talked to a councillor with work benefits from my previous job. I don't even know why. Was I trying to learn about myself? No. Maybe find out what's wrong with me? Didn't get an answer to that. Advice for making more friends? That did happen but it didn't solve that loneliness much. I want a relationship again but don't know how I should do this anymore. I talk to people but the more I chat the more I get anxious that I'll say something wrong. Which then leads to me not talking and leads to the cycle again. It's hopeless.

This week, one of my close friends shared with me that it made her sad when she noticed that I haven't talked very much about my pregnancy with her. I didn't realize how much I didn't share, or how often we talked and I didn't mention any updates. She asked why I hadn't shared much and I took a moment to reflect.

Of course it wasn't my intention to make her sad or exclude her from my journey. The truth is that the lack of others' expressions of excitement (or at least the lack of their expressions to the degree of my expectation) affected my excitement. I figured that if the people that I wanted to be visibly excited weren't, then my excitement was unwarranted. If not that, I felt alone in my excitement and it felt better to not be excited at all than to be excited by myself. After all, who throws a party for themselves with no guests.

But I had a change of heart and a shift in my mindset after that moment of reflection. This is my first baby and I can be excited if I want to. And I should be excited. God has blessed me and entrusted me with this gift of life and it's worth celebrating and rejoicing over, whether I'm alone or joined by others.

So today, I put on my first set of maternity shorts, paired with a crop top, and embraced my ever-growing baby bump.

Today, I am officially 18 weeks pregnant. We are almost halfway to Baby's arrival. I've felt Baby move a few times over the last couple weeks. They're little movements, but they're precious reminders of the growing life inside of me. They're gentle twists and kicks, but they make real for me that I will soon hold my baby in my arms.

Baby can hear me now, and I can't wait to see what songs and words Baby loves the most.

In just one week, we will have our first gender reveal. (That's another story for another post.) I'll finally be able to settle on a color for the nursery, buy cute onesies and outfits, and most of all -- call my baby by name.

We (I?) officially made our public announcement that we are expecting our first baby in December.

I remember when I first found out and starting telling family. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep the secret for myself, and I was afraid that my friends or family might accidentally slip up and tell someone I hadn't told or wasn't ready to tell.

But once I hit twelve weeks and looked a little more visibly pregnant, I didn't even care who they told or who I told. I was fine with anyone I spoke to knowing that I'm pregnant.

I don't know that I was expecting the overwhelming warmth and celebratory comments I received. But everyone loves babies, right?

I haven't decided for myself and we haven't decided as parents how we will share our baby on social media once the baby is born and during their early stages. We have time to decide. For now, the one thing I know is that what we decided will be our decision.

How I'm Feeling

I'm very excited! I feel like I'm embracing this more than I was at first. Not because I'm happier about it; I was always happy about it. But because it feels more real and I don't feel physically tired, nauseous, or dizzy. We saw the baby earlier in the week and my little baby bump is growing. And apparently, I'm glowing.

On the somewhat downside, I've been more irritable (sorry, honey) and my appetite continues to be as fickle, and unreliable as the ice cream machine at McDonald's. I can't cook large batches of food or meal prep anymore because I might hate what I cooked when it's time to sit down and eat it. The worst part is that it's not just that I might not like the food I have, it's that it makes me gag and I can't get it down at all. It's an expensive challenge to deal with.

We got to see Baby for the second time today. It was crazy to see how much more developed Baby is now compared to just 3 weeks ago when we last saw Baby.

After what seemed liked the longest wait time in the waiting room, we finally got to see Baby's hands and feet, round head, and perfect heart. I looked over at my husband who was gazing at the screen of our baby and I couldn't help but realize that some mommies-to-be so this alone. They lie on this bed and look at scans of their babies without the support of their partner or baby's father. And there I was with my loving husband.

He's been with me through high school, college, starting my teaching career, losses of loved ones, emotional rollercoasters -- I've never been alone.