#12.29.2018

So as I am in the process of recovering big oofs in my fall term, getting my first C’s and a first F, getting an unexpected B from what was supposed to be a GPA boosting elective, I’m mentally preparing for winter term.

I let a lot of superficial things get in the way of my dreams, a lot of things got in the way of how i normally want to do things. 

I want to be alone when I study. I want to have my own space when I study. I can’t study with other people, I am tempted to goof off and spend 90% of the time alloted for memes than actually get effective work done. Having a friend in the same class is helpful in that it encourages me to go to class, but on the downside, during midterms or finals, there is double the temptation to skip classes to take a break or study. I had to get real with myself about this. Admit to myself that I had a lot to do with why I didn’t get the results I wanted. 

At the same time, I also understand that things just got really rocky for my fall term. I didn’t know I would get a job while in school, so five times a week I get home at 6:30pm and I’d have to get whatever a sane person needs to do for recuperation from the day plus get stuff done and finish at a reasonable hour so I can get a minimum 7 hours of sleep for the next day. 

A group of friends that I had met and thought I had fallen in love with was beginning to show some signs of... a place that inhibited my growth. A space that didn’t respect my boundaries. A space that didn’t encourage my progress. A space that wasn’t safe for myself to be. It was a slow burn. It’s difficult to leave that sort of situation when I had gotten so comfortable for a good 4 months, plus the keeping in touch during the summer 2018. It’s difficult to tell myself like it is that, if you don’t feel safe and you don’t feel like yourself around certain people even if they don’t mean well, you can leave. And so I did leave, right in the thick of midterm season, I was going through a bit of withdrawal in shaking myself out of my daily routine of going to see them and “study” in the library with them. 

But I did manage to leave though. With the help of my sister’s words and support to help me stand my ground, and my best friends (all people I’ve known for at least 3 years) who helped me get used to a new space and new routine was helpful. I still need to work on comfortably study alone in public on campus, but I can at least say that I successfully released myself from the group of friends that had me bringing back the worst parts about myself.

I also had a strange crush that had me rolling for months since I met him on February. I romanticized him so much, the idea of him, the idea of us. I thought of it as an easy temporary distraction/break from the stresses of classes and thinking about my future and etc. I thought a simple crush would just make me feel like a normal not-so-busybody student. I was wrong. My moods were so affected by his presence and absence. His silence and his words. We were never any good when I had romantic feelings that resurfaced about him. However, I was better when we were just friends and we just exuded wholesome platonicity. 

I had some closure about that a few days ago, we had a really honest talk and in that talk, I learned of his (admittedly shallow) preferences and then in that moment I was thinking and calculating about, “The person I love, there’s something they have to have that I can’t even put on paper, I can’t describe it. It’s a feeling. A person could have 98% of the things I could describe that I like about a person, the things that could work with me, but if they don’t have that 2% that i can’t describe but is entirely necessary... then that person is not the one.” By the end of the talk, I admitted to myself and to him that he didn’t have my 2% and that we were going to be friends for a long time.

As for work, though it could be stressful and draining some days because of all the other factors that made it hard to be happy around the children, I love my job. My job is a healing end of my day after classes. I love kids so much, I’ve been good and a natural with kids since I was a kid myself. I think this may have been a calling for me, seeing as a future in pharmacy is looking very very bleak, and i still hadn’t ever concluded on a plan B. Education looks like a really happy plan B for me. I could see myself teaching calculus or chemistry, even biology. So that was nice, to have that realization, that there’s something else I see potential in being passionate about. It was really... reassuring.

As for my view on myself, I think I did really good to stand my ground and protect myself and my sensitivities. I’m no victim, but I’m also no mat to be walked all over. I found my voice the past few months too. I’ve been existing very loudly and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. I faced new failures and had to strengthen my relationship with failure. I strengthened my relationships with a lot of my weaknesses. Faced them head on. Admitted to my own mistakes. Some of the most difficult things. I had a lot of moments where I felt most myself, and who I want to be. I want to be an unlimited source of love, without punishing myself for wavering because I’m human. I want to be in tune with all my emotions, embrace all emotions, never antagonizing the gloomy days or angry days. I want to give myself a guilt-free pass to just be. I think I’ve been upholding those wants, I think a lot of my wants have been manifesting into the universe, into my reality itself. I feel pretty powerful actually. I feel very me because I’ve gotten to know so much more about myself in the past few months, and she’s peachy.