#111714

I’m not going to lie, my relationship has been far from perfect the past two years. I’ve cried, broke down, lost myself, and just everything in between. I became the girl I told myself to never be. I stayed with someone who had disrespected me and caused me so much pain. I’ve seen my friends be in abusive relationship, I’ve seen my friends cry over boys, I’ve seen my friends get walked all over by a boy; and I told myself to never let it get that far.

Shame on me for not being able to keep my own promise to me. If I had the strength that I do now two years earlier, I would most likely be single. The first couple of months were amazing, but that’s only because it was the ‘honeymoon stage’. It only went downhill from there. Many nights were filled with you ignoring my calls and texts, going out with your friends, partying with girls, and overall just pushing me to the side. I cried all the time. I cried myself to sleep and developed really bad anxiety. At times, I even wanted to hurt myself. It seemed like you never cared. It was always me being “crazy” and “needy” and you just weren’t having it. I’m pretty sure you didn’t care for me, and I wish it was the same for me. I cried myself to sleep but still woke up every morning and wanted you. I could not let go. No matter how many degrading names you called me, no matter how many times you blocked my number, I couldn’t leave you. I was weak. I was dumb. I wanted you. I wanted us.

I’ve been reading so many posts about how you shouldn’t stay with a boy in hopes of turning him into the man you need or something along the lines of that. I should’ve read those back then, because then maybe I would’ve prevented myself from a couple of those sleepless nights filled with tears. But at the same time, I’m proud of myself for being strong enough to live through all of that. I really shouldn’t have put myself through that and I’m not proud of the way I was treated by him, but I can say that I’m in a different place right now. I’m honestly the happiest I’ve ever been and I think he’s finally turning into the man that I’ve always wanted. 

You came into my life when I was only ten years-old. Never did it cross my mind that you were my person. We went on with our lives for the next eight years as just friends. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I realized you were more than just a regular friend; you became someone I knew I could trust. Despite our lack of time actually hanging out, I just knew you were a good person that I could confide in. I remember that one summer where you and I and our two other friends spent all night just coming up with goals for our future. We talked about what we wanted to do within the next year, five years, ten years, etc.. Never did we bring up the topic of falling in love with each other. 

You were there to listen to me rant on and on about my petty high school crushes. You witnessed me going after guys that honestly didn’t deserve me. I honestly don’t know how it happened but one day, it just clicked. I allowed myself to have feelings for you. I was hesitant because you were never a part of the plan I had for myself. I never saw a lover in you, at least not a lover for me. I didn’t want to like you. I didn’t know if you felt the same. We titled each other as one another’s “best friend”. It felt so wrong for some reason and I kept denying it until I couldn’t anymore. 

I’m glad it took us that long to finally try. It felt so effortless. You were there for eight whole years and not once did I believe that you could be that person for me. I’ve always ‘known’ you, but I really didn’t know that you were that perfect for me. You were right in front of me the whole time. What made 2014 the year that we finally developed those feelings that led our friendship into what it is now? It’s crazy. Everyone was shocked that we were together after high school, but now it’s like no one can picture us without each other. 

I feel like how we met was a huge influence on how successful we are as a couple. I wouldn’t call us “highschool sweethearts”, mainly because our relationship bloomed after obtaining our diplomas. But I do believe that our history together has made us strong. We knew each other as friends, we respected each other, we had a foundation. Our friendship gave us depth and allowed to see each other in a different light than just as significant others. It’s like we were meant to be; we were put together effortlessly and not by force. I didn’t meet you with the intentions of being your girlfriend. I looked for a friend in you and it allowed me to really open up to you and allowed us to have a closer relationship. But I’m not going to lie, these past three years of actually being together kind of masks everything we had as friends. And I wouldn’t change one bit of it.