#103016

17 JUL 26

This will be a long read, so be prepared, relax, and really soak in what I wrote.***

It took me awhile to understand where you were coming from bc I was being selfish too. I think that you’ve grown up since the past year we’ve been together and you’ve demonstrated an enormous amount of maturity; what with dividing up time with two families, friends, a relationship, school, dance, and work altogether. Seriously, you’re absolutely amazing to juggle all that and still have the time to be you. But thats just it, you don’t really have time for yourself.

This Spain trip really did open up your mind and I know you’ve learned a lot from it as much as you experienced a whole new world. As much as I feared it, I think this both taught us a lesson in that, “We need to figure out ourselves before we can think about the future” and I agree that we truly need to learn how to love ourselves before we can love another. I understand that you need to go on this journey alone, really experience it on your own bc you only get to do it once in your lifetime and I don’t want to be the one reason that’s holding you back from accomplishing that. Just know that I’m secretly rooting for you, supporting you all the way regardless if you want me on the sidelines our not. I will, however, respect your wishes and give you your space that you need.

The time we’ve spent together was unforgettable and amazing! I don’t regret anything bc I would’ve never gotten the opportunity to meet a beautiful person like you and I’m glad we happened. You taught me how to love again and in-hand reminded me the pain it takes to love someone. You’re the bestest partner I could’ve ever asked for and no one can ever or will ever replace you! You’re still my BIG BABY and KLUTZ and ONLY I get to call you that, promise? 

I love everything that we did, shared, and experienced together, the little things stands out to me the most! (eating, cooking, movies, secret handshakes, board games etc...) I love making plans with you, planning out our future and what we want our family to be like as we grow older (5). I still want those things. Who knows, maybe one day it will happened.

Which leads me to my next point in that, I’m completely open and optimistic towards the future. I’m not really sure what’s going to happen and I’ll be honest, I’m a little scared of not knowing. However, I’m also excited bc now I want to know what I can do on my own too. I actually want to “solo travel” the world by myself and learn who I am as a person, taking me out of my comfort zone and I have you to thank for that! I too, want to experience it all and even though I’m older, it’s never too late to go on an adventure! But that’s what I’m looking forward too. I will continue my education as planned and look for better job opportunities (bc Amazon moved from Buena Park to Chino Hills). I’m learning  to not settle for less but whats best for me.

On a final note, I still value you as my best friend and I know that we can’t really do much right now but as time goes on I hope that we can continue our friendship! I really want that bc you’re a gem and people like you don’t come around often. I still want you in my life but only when YOU are ready for it. I still want to go on adventures with you if you’re down and I would like to attend National’s, seeing GHS perform bc I want to see your hard work pay off, as I cheer loudly from the stands. From time-to-time I’ll occasionally send snaps to keep you up-to-date on how I’m doing (ofc when the time is right) and I hope you’ll do so too!

I miss you a lot, and yes...I still love you. I will always care for you and your well being. I will care about your family (your mom included). If you need someone to talk too, to vent or a shoulder to lean on, I’ll be here when you need me most. I’ll be ready to wipe those tears away and listen to w/e is bothering you. Don’t be afraid to reach out, you know how to contact me.*** Please please please, do not blame yourself for hurting me, my feelings, or the fact that you’ve felt that you wasted my time bc you wanted to do YOU. We both knew the risks and we took it, no ragrets! You’ve outgrown me and now you need to grow some more and I can’t wait to see who you’ll become!

I love you, I love you, I love you JPM!

JG

17 JUL 23

You ever get the tingly sensation when something’s wrong or off? You can feel it drop to the pit of your heart. Like when you walk into your room and you can immediately tell something’s amiss? Or having a conversation with a really close friend but you aren’t really connecting with them?

I feel like the ebb and flow of our relationship is or has stopped to a trickle. If I had to put money on it, the excitement seems to not be there anymore. Maybe bc when we first started, it was exciting, it was new and it was something that was wrong but felt right and we rode that wave. Now? Possibly this trip brought something new and exciting and that’s the best feeling to ever feel. If we are getting comfortable, then I’m okay with that, but not to the point where I have to look for something new to spark up your interest me. I’m just me and you’re you. I love you for you and that’s all I need to drive me. Can you say the same? Is who I am enough?

I guess I’m the sort of person that needs reassurance. I notice the little things. From short one worded/sentence replies or not skyping when we haven’t seen each other in days. You usually more excited to talk to me, even if it’s been for like a day. When I get home you want to see me right away. Maybe you’re tired or what not but I feel disconnected from you, physically and emotionally. I try to not let it get to me but it’s hard, especially when you’re not here and the negative thoughts eats away at my mind.

I’m are here if you need me. I’m here if you need someone to love you. But if your heart is not in it, if there is doubt, or if your bored and seeking for something new, please do me the respect and courtesy and tell me. I want you to be able to what w/e makes you happy. But you have to convey that to me, otherwise we’ll both just be wasting our time together

June 5th, 2017

I always asked myself whether it was wrong of me to ruin someone else’s happiness with another. Regardless if I was wrong or right, it’s something that has already happened but that it took two people to make it a fruition.

I guess my fear is that if it could happen not once, not twice, but that a third time wouldn’t be out of the question. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to lose US. That is my greatest fear. It eats at me mentally, causes me to worry, assume, and overthink, which is probably why I forbid you from talking to certain people or have rules. The thought of you being happy with some one else sickens me and I don’t want to be the reason of why we fail. 

I hope you understand why I was irate over the matter and what seem to make it worse was that you didn’t tell me right away, I always have to find out on my own, which then leads me to further doubt your words and your commitment to our relationship.

Trust.

Communication.

Without these (in my eyes) key components, a relationship wouldn’t be healthy and ours is anything but far from it. 

I’m going to be jealous, I’m going to have suspicions but you have to compromise with me. Meet me halfway and help me make our dreams and goals a reality. It takes two for us to work but we have to get our priorities straight. I’m not giving up on us just because the situation isn’t ideal. I care about you and I want to find a way for us to make things work.   

You are your own person, therefore you make your own decisions. I might not agree with all of them, but you’re an adult. I’m in this relationship to help you grow and to see you succeed, not be your babysitter. I trust your judgement and although it may take awhile for me to forget you past transgressions, I forgive you. The past is just that, the past. I need to learn how to let that go, so give me time to find a way to do that. If you cheat, that’s on you. You deal with the consequences. You sort out the detrimental sufferings that come attached to that because you won’t be the victim. Just know that you’ll lose me.

I’m learning a lot already because the old me would’ve acted rash and done something stupid that I probably wouldn’t be able to come back from or take back. However, I used these two days to clear my thoughts, my mind, and talked to some close friends for their advice. You’ve changed me in so many ways and I’d be damn to let you go so easily. I need you in my life because you’re my partner in crime, my “Bonnie to my Clyde” (cheese). Not only do I need you, I want you. I am not complete without you. You make me sane even though you drive me insane sometimes, but I need you for that reason. To make me feel human again and not just an empty shell with no meaning. You are my purpose, my meaning. That is the reason why hold on, why I keep moving forward. I’m sorry for how I acted or if I hurt you emotionally. Know that it was out of anger and I didn't mean it. Forgive me?

I love you and I miss you dearly