#101715

One month ago I was out at the NEON art festival in Norfolk. I missed you every second, thinking to myself, “this is so us”, artsy stuff, museums, good food and craft beer. The whole spirit of the evening felt like you should have been with me.  

Per usual I chased one craft beer down with two more, then moved to my signature vodka soda with extra lime. A couple more to ease my nerves...I never know when enough is enough. Next move is to text you in hopes of a sweet reply..

me: “Be off already! Come love me (kissy face x3)” 8:43pm

you: (upset disappointed face) 9:14pm

me: “Or naw?” 9:56pm

me: Lol yup. Cool. (okay hand emoji) 11:37pm

you: You’re such an ass. 11:40pm

Just like you to wait hours to respond to me, it was always a game to you. You would sleep with me, flirt a bit, and distance yourself completely. I was always so confused, just earlier that day you had left my house, we were happy, we were having fun. I knew you had feeling for someone else but I would’ve never guessed they surpassed what we had for one another. 

So, of course my blood boils with frustration after being disappointed by you, yet again. I pull my usual move and start doing pointless research, that always inevitably leads me to be more upset. The typical “Brittany” move is to send a backlash of angry texts hoping to elicit a response, then apologize blaming it on how drunk I was. 

I pulled the “Brittany”

this time I knew I went to far.. I knew it was over. 

Me: “You’re going to be a miserable alcoholic and treat women like shit...Like father, like son (okay hand emoji) night.”

What followed was less than pleasant. I knew it was over. I think my mind knew deep down I had to let you go before you hurt me again. My mind knew it couldn’t handle a round two of losing you.  

I regret saying what I said. I wish I held my cool. 

Only a  week or so after we stopped talking ..you were in Texas with her. You knew all along you would be hurting me again ...but you continued to sleep with me, communicate with me, lead me on... until I gave you a reason to break communication. I made it easy for you. You didn’t have to feel the guilt of hurting me again, I ended it for you. You were a coward.

It’s been a month since we exchanged those last words and today is the first day I have really, deeply missed you. I was shopping in MacArthur and the smell of LUSH, the Christmas lights, the candle store... it’s the silliest things that bring me back to you, but when I venture back my mind remembers every detail and I miss you like it was yesterday. I don’t know if I ever wont miss you. 

I really feel like we could’ve had something extremely special. well, we did. The love I experienced when I was with you was so pure. Like a high school, head over heels, infatuation, never ending heartbreak kind of love. The agony of you breaking my heart is something I will never forget. It was like I was grieving for someone who was never coming back, but then again I guess thats what happened. You were never the same person to me after that first heartbreak, something changed. we changed. I wanted “US” so badly.

I am just rambling now. It’s been one month since we have had any communication and I did a great job by not texting you and telling you how much I miss you. Slow progress is progress. 

I need to stop looking for you at every stoplight and hoping to run into you randomly. I think about bumping into you when I’m doing everyday tasks.. not a day goes by I don’t think about it.