“ZARDOZ BEANS”
OPEN ON A BALDING MIDDLE AGED EVERYMAN IN LEATHER CHAIR HE HOLDS UP A CAN OF ZARZOZ BAKED BEANS AND TALKS TO CAMERA.
BILL: Everybody wants to know: What makes Zardoz Beans taste so good? Could it be the farm fresh beans? Or maybe it’s the sauce? Actually, Imma you let in on a little secret. Roll that been footage.
CUT TO A SET UP OF BOWLS OF BAKED BEANS. FROM OUT OF FRAME THINGS GO INTO THE BEAUTIFUL BOWLS OF BEANS LIKE HAIR, LOOSE CHANGE, CONDOMS. IT CREATES A CRAZY DISGUSTING MESS.
BILL: It’s all the anuses, lips and teets. That’s right a lot more than beans go into every can of Zardoz beans that gives it its signature flavor. Like human body hair and dry skin patches collected in gym bathrooms. Used condoms, bum spit and loose change found on public transportation. And if you’re lucky, you might just find a syringe too. Oh, and don’t forget the sawdust. Best of all it’s all from right here in America.
CUT BACK TO BILL.
BILL: And that’s what makes Zardoz baked beans Zardoz baked beans. Ain’t that right boy? ... Come ‘ere boy?
CUT OUT TO A WIDE SHOT. BILL LOOKS AROUND FOR HIS DOG WHO’S NOT THERE.
BILL: Well...we must’ve used him too.
CUT BACK IN CLOSE WITH BILL HOLDING UP THE BEANS.
BILL: Taste what all the talks about. Try Zardoz baked beans.
CUT TO PACKAGE SHOT WITH LOGO UP.
BILL: We put stuff in it.
