#100daysofwriting2015

“All writing is discovering something about who you are” – Shonda Rhimes

I’m really happy with the thousands of pages and handful of projects I was able to write thus far.  I wasn’t able to finish everything I started but I feel so productive.  And I feel so happy with my writing.  It’s really coming along.

Three of my projects are going into the early stages of pre-production (a short film, sketches and a web show).  Not only is it happening but I’m working with a female director and a female producer has shown interest in coming on board!

True love was another big one this year.  And through my writing and all my inner self-work this year, I found it…. within myself.  It’s something that I’m so grateful for.  And something I will continue to cultivate.  Part of that was cutting communications with all the exs, the players and “fuckboys” in my life.  

Around my 70th day of writing, I had an “Aha” moment.   I started to see the areas of my heart that need healing.  And how the sexual trauma I’ve experienced in the past has in fact colored my entire sexual/romantic life.  Even to the point where I was often left feeling unloved and unwanted by men I gave my heart or body to.   But now, as I stand in my power and cut all ties to men who don’t deserve my affection, time or attention…I am renewed & refreshed.

Writing for 100 days has helped me realign and refocus my creativity.  It’s also helped me work out some really dark shit. It’s changed my life in so many ways. And Shonda is right… but I would tweak the quote to say:

“All writing is discovering something about who you REALLY are.”

And who have I discovered? 

It was more a rediscovery…of things I already knew deep down within myself.  But it blossoming out to an even powerful understanding and coming out in an even bigger way.  So that my power, fierceness and love are shown in all that I do and breathe.  It’s about reclaiming your power that you’ve given out to other people or thought you needed to get from other people…and instead standing on your own.     Standing in my power is the most freeing thing that I could ever have discovered in the past 100 days.  And knowing that these ideas I have when written down have the possibility to move people too.   What I’m writing now is coming from a more conscious place.  A place that didn’t truly come into it’s own ten or even five years ago.  It’s a place that only started to really exist as I matured, healed and went through the experiences that have brought me here.  We writers often write from places we know.  And that to me has been my strength…that I open myself to writing from places of vulnerability, struggle and growth.  

I’m so thankful I’ve had this entire 100 days to get the things I needed to get out…in order to make way for the creative writing I am about to embark on. It’s been a struggle at times to commit to 100 days…especially when men and alcohol were involved.  But once I cut both of those things out, I found my groove.

And I love when Shonda Rhimes said, “We’re so conditioned to believe that THAT (having a husband and baby) is the definition of happiness that nobody stops to think that might not be what defines us.”   I am reminded every day in NYC that my happiness is a choice that I choose NOW.  Currently, happiness is the life I’m living sans children and sans husband. A life that my grandparents, parents and ancestors have worked so hard to give me.  A life full of freedoms that I will never take for granted.  A life that I love calling my own.   And what defines me isn’t anything physical that I have…but what comes from within.  

So I have a confession.  I had stopped my "100 days of writing" fifty days in.  But a week ago I started it up again.  So as my puppy basks in the sun and entertains himself with a dried up pig ear,  I wrote this.  Enjoy! ‪#‎AnotherLongAssPost‬

Day 59 of 100 days of writing – 12/11/2015

Home.  

They say when one finally leaves home, their appreciation for where they grew up increases ten fold.   For me,  it’s about a million fold.   Three years ago I left The Bay Area and California for the big badass dream making New York City.  I left for so many reasons: love for a guy, a dream in my heart, a hope to experience a bigger world, and to get out of my comfort zone.   I’ve done so much in only three years in New York City.  I’ve broken up with said “guy”.  I’ve premiered my one-woman show at the International New York Fringe Festival.  I’ve gotten positive theater reviews.  I’ve sold out shows.  I’ve gotten an industry manager.  I’ve gone on countless auditions.  I’ve booked a handful of lucrative gigs.  I’ve quit four daytime hustle jobs because I finally became a full-time actor.  I’ve gone on a $500 dinner date at the French restaurant “The Modern”.  I’ve experienced Fashion Week and all the post party craziness.  I’ve served brunch to Louis CK, met JLaw and partied with Scary Spice.   I don’t regret my choice to expand my horizons.  In fact,  I think EVERYONE should move to New York City at least once in their lives.   But despite all of the things I’ve experienced in New York…like Ms. Dorothy Ann says, “There’s no place like home”.  

There are no feelings of comfort in a city like New York.  There’s money and hustle and drive and millions of people.   There is no clean fresh coastal air or Redwood trees or miles of sandy beaches or rolling hills of green.   There is lots of smog and an hour ride to Coney Island or Jones Beach or The NY Botanical Gardens.   There is no familiarity for me in New York City.  There are new experiences and spontaneous adventures and secret speakeasies.    There are no close family bonds in New York City.  There is my aunt and two cousins who live two hours away in New Jersey.   And despite all my new New York friends and a couple of besties, there is no feeling of constant access to the close and loyal friends who can just hang out at a drop of a dime…because either NY friends are way too busy or they live way too far via the subway system.    

San Francisco, despite it’s current culture sucking facelift by the tech companies and Mayor Ed Lee, still has the spirit of an open armed, energy healing aunt who’s seen it all and despite all the shit you’ve gone through…she’ll always be there for you with sage burning, a plate of warm organic gluten free special brownies and a tall glass of soy milk.   New York on the other hand is the super rich aunt who makes you clean her full floor penthouse suite in exchange for a meal at “Per Se” and has you sleep on the floor in the living room to help you build character.  

After three winters in New York, I’ve built a lot of character, hustled a ton and have a sore back.   New York has been the greatest thing I decided to do in my entire life.  I know my time in NYC isn’t over but with the temperature dropping and the gas bill rising, I made the decision to come back to San Francisco for a couple of months.  Come back to the comforts of home.  Come back to experience the age my nieces, nephews and godchildren are now before their “too cool” for their crazy Auntie Nikki.    Come back to establish a bond between myself and my mom’s new Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy.  Come back to meditate amongst the Redwoods and along the coast of California.  Come back to special brownies at Dolores Park and BOGO deals at my local medical club.  Come back to friends who know exactly how to set me straight and make me burst into laughter with just one word.  Come back to my community of badass Bindlestiff artists who do this acting, writing, directing, and creative thing simply because they just love it and their community.  Come back to family who support and love me 10000000%.