#10000 bc

Lu'kibu, 10,000 BC

Look, this movie has 10% on Rotten Tomatoes—I knew what I was getting into. Every actor has stuff like this in their filmography, and because I’m me, I can’t just not watch it if I can get my hands on it. I had to see it for myself, and now I have.

It's a Big Dumb Action Movie that has never met historical accuracy and does whatever the hell it wants with geography, and other than a few neat action set pieces at the beginning and end, it's mostly just dull. Generic prophecy, generic action, generic love story—ho hum.

For better or worse, it was also Joel Fry’s feature film debut. Lu’kibu, a member of the mammoth-hunting Yagahl tribe, has a moderate amount of screentime but very little to actually do. He has maybe six or seven lines, sprinkled throughout the movie. By and large, he helps to fill out the big group scenes, so I spent the movie playing Spot Joel Fry.

To the extent that Lu’kibu has any characterization, its, Are we sure that this D’Leh guy is really all that? Any time someone in the tribe is expressing doubt in the protagonist's abilities or leadership, there’s a decent chance that it’s Lu’kibu. That’s what most of his limited lines are about, and it comes through in Fry’s facial acting as well—Lu’kibu’s side eye makes for some amusing “prehistoric people were still people” moments for me, which I admittedly kind of enjoy.

Honestly, though, I'm all right with seeing a just-okay performance from Fry in a lackluster movie. Because I've genuinely loved him in practically everything I've watched so far, I sometimes wonder, "Is he really as good as I think he is, or do I just love everything because I'm hyperfixating?" So finding a clunker reassures me that, even if my barometer is biased, it isn't broken.

BTW, the sole GIFs I could find of Lu'kibu were photographic evidence of Joel Fry's bare legs in a loin cloth, so that's nice for people who are into that.

GIF from @derekstilinski

Smilodon appreciation post.

Strike one, pretty sure everything by 2008 had switched to BCE for mentions of historical records.

Strike two: the clothing inaccuracies all over the board.

Strike two-and-a-half: hair inaccuracies as well.

Strike three: race inaccuracies.

Strike four: obviously whomever wrote this (and it was actually co-written by director Roland Emmerich and some other guy) must have failed geography alongside history and anthropology and English (partly because their research skills are awful).

strike five: So, those history failings include (deep breath)

Domestication of Horses: not for another 8,000 years

Agriculture: not for 500 years

Leather: not for 8,800 years

Sailing: not for 4,500 years

Permanent Habitation of Egypt: not for 1,000 years

Egypt as anything remotely resembling Ancient Egypt (I’m using pre-dynastic or dynasty 0 here): not for 6,900 years

Pyramids: not for 7,370 years

Any crops from the New World like-red hot chili peppers: 11,500 years too soon

Metal working of any kind: not for 3,000 years

Swords: not until 8,400 years later

Cloth/weaving: not for another 4,000 years

Dye: not for probably another 7,000 years

Mud-bricks- Not for 3,000 years

Using wood- Also not for 3,000 years

Discovery of Polaris (the north star): Not for another 10,169 years.

Use of Polaris for navigational purposes: Not for another 10,400 years.

The Orion Constellation (Orion the Hunter, something they made a big deal out of): 9,100-9,200 years too soon

AND

Blue Eyes (which they also made SUCH a big deal out of): not for another 2,000-4,000 years

BUT He (and his co-writer) somehow got some things right:

Saber-tooth tigers were and would still be extant at 10,000 BCE and so would Wooly Mammoths.

Spears. Yeah. people had those. It’s one of the most ancient weapons ever.

So. Yeah. THREE things I know for certain he got right.

Just, who green-lit this? Did no one think “maybe we should do some research?” 

If they wanted all of these elements in play, then all Mr. Emmeriech would have had to do was set this in a FANTASY world. 

Don’t make it OUR Earth 12,000 years ago, make it some other fantasy place. Btw folks he seems to have forgotten that the BCE years distance to the past are an additional 2020 (or when he made this mess extra 2008) years back from our own place in time.

Esta película nos cuenta la historia de una tribu prehistórica que es atacada por unos misteriosos guerreros y uno de los jóvenes de esta tribu se hace a la búsqueda para encontrar a muchos de sus compañeros que fueron secuestrados durante la batalla.

Al final encuantran una sociedad que esta a punto de devolver en lo que podría describirse como la primera civilización y utilizan la esclavitud y conquista como forma de expansión.

Un final totalmente absurdo pero dado el contenido de la historia al estilo de leyenda se puede aceptar.

Muy hermosa Camilla Belle

3.5 de 5

Me and @undergroundwubwubmaster have been dragging Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 BC tonight for it’s harrowing archaeological innacuracy...

... but it is still fun. Like all of Rholand’s adventure films, it’s stupid but reliably entertaining and impressive looking (I love the “cultures” shown in this movie) and peppered with weird jabs, like the almighty “god” who has an army of slaves building his pyramid also being the most unambiguously white character in the entire cast.

This and also James fucking Holden chasing after distressed damsels twelve thousand years before the invention of space travel...