Feb 8, 2019
...Darian, korkusunu daha yapay mutluluk duygularıyla bastırmadan önce ürperdiğini hissetti.
Yapay değil. Duygular yapay olamaz. Eğer onları hissediyorsan gerçektirler.
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...Darian, korkusunu daha yapay mutluluk duygularıyla bastırmadan önce ürperdiğini hissetti.
Yapay değil. Duygular yapay olamaz. Eğer onları hissediyorsan gerçektirler.
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it is the night before my first day of my graduate studies, though it doesn’t feel like too much of a milestone since tomorrow will be much like the other days (besides a short meeting with a course advisor) - i will let work pile up around me as usual and look wistfully at books i would have time to read if i stopped letting work pile up. my usual dance.Â
my routine in the morning will be:
wake 8am / check phone. read a poem / brush teeth / make a cup of tea / shower / drink said tea / make breakfast and scroll through phone / dress, makeup, hair / pack bag for the day. don’t forget forms, and don’t forget to look pretty for the ID photo.Â
i am nervous because i feel as though i am not very well read and that i have forgotten so much of what i have learned. it feels like everything is gone from me except for a few phrases here and there - transcendental unity of apperception, being-towards-death, cyborg politics. i don’t know what these all mean.
i have been thinking a lot about liminality lately because that is the state i’ve been in for so long now, intensified of course during my solo road trip with my books filling up the back seat and boot of my car. everyone on the road has blurry edges and there’s a particular smile we all share that says, ‘yeah, us too.’ it’s easy to make eye contact with people and easy to strike up talk because we’re all open to the experience, we’ve ended something recently and haven’t quite begun the next thing, so we’re free for a time.
liminality is an unsustainable state of being. it only exists in relation to the end and the beginning that recede and approach. dwelling in the liminal will become unbearable for me and i will seek a home. i will never find a home in philosophy, nor feel as though i’ve reached an ‘end’ in it nor out - not when i submit the culmination of the work i begin tomorrow, not when i graduate, not when i retire. the displacement will never end and i will always feel like an imposter. from unsettledness comes ideas, and work to be done, so that’s okay. a girl and philosophy ought to be a strange (though not unfriendly) coupling. i hope i can learn to cultivate the openness and the friendliness to the new and unknown that comes easily to those on the road.