#09.25.15

I don’t know anymore. I just want to be happy but it’s really hard. I want good grades. I want a more stable foundation to build my career on top of. I want to be around good company. There’s a lot of things I want and I know that I can’t always get what I want. But, I’m working towards these goals to the best of my ability. I have to make sacrifices even though I might not want to but it should benefit me later. I just want to establish myself first before I can fully commit to the fun I actually want to have. I’m guilty of indulging while chasing my dreams but hey, I need a pick-me-up every now and then. Doesn’t everybody? Ok, well not really everybody. I guess it’s better to leave him alone most of the time. 

Who am I to want to change him? He doesn’t exactly listen to me when I tell him about my feelings and how he hurts them by doing certain things. I just don’t know if I want to take that as a sign to actually leave him. At the same time, I’ve changed a lot of what I’m used to or consider normal to be that “better girlfriend” I keep telling him I want to be. Because, if you love someone, you’d want them to be happy and be the best you can be for them. At the same time, I don’t necessarily think it should cost you your personality and happiness. Maybe I’m happy and content with being quiet. I mean I know I love to talk when I’m in a comfortable environment and it’s with people that I actually like. I hate being fake and I don’t want to fake a smile and conversations with people I don’t like. But, it apparently makes him upset and burns him out because he feels like he has to talk for the both of us. That’s not what I want. I just want to listen to the gossip when it comes to people I don’t care for. Is it wrong for me to be silent and just act like I am listening and that I care? I guess so. I don’t know. Maybe it won’t last as long as I thought or maybe I’m just being a little too critical right now. I’m always really negative when I’m alone.

He didn’t even say bye when I said it to him before he left for the gym. I get it. He wants to go alone sometimes so if he bumps into someone he knows, he can talk to them without me in the way. It just hurts sometimes because it feels like he’s pushing me away and he only wants me around when it’s convenient for him. I don’t want to live like that. 

I feel like I have no where to go where I can feel safe and loved and wanted. At least not anymore. I guess I still kinda of miss Kevin and it doesn’t feel all that right but, I wish I could hang out with him again. I kind of miss those long nights we would spend staying up sharing stories, updating each other on gossip, and watching anime together. He welcomed me every time and walked me back to my apartment every time. Always texted me and was wondering what I was up to and if I wanted to hang out.

You know, I don’t exactly like this feeling. I should probably just visit him. He wasn’t that bad of a person like how I first thought. Funny how things work out.