#09.13.15

I haven’t written on here in over a year, I can’t remember why I stopped. Maybe school. But, I’m excited to graduate in the spring of 2016! Life’s been pretty hard. And it’s been changing pretty fast. Probably too fast. 

I feel so distant from everyone around my age. I like the maturity of my 25+ co-workers at my internship. I just wish I got paid but that’s why I need my diploma as soon as I can. I’m not getting anywhere like this. At the same time, I want someone or a group of friends I can mess around with on top of understanding that we have to work hard for the things we want. We can be silly together, gossip about whatever news has been going on, and enjoy this life regardless of how difficult it has become. Am I growing up too fast? I’ve always thought about it and even now, I still don’t want to know. Let me still be young.

Something else that’s been on mind, too, is life. Feeling alive. Being alive. I think now I am starting to understand the difference. I am alive but do I feel like I am living? My throat hurts. I feel like my boyfriend is pushing me away. My mom will never let me live my life how I want to. I’m nearly broke. But none of that is a big deal. That’s just life. At the same time, I haven’t been feeling like I am living. I’m losing my sense of touch with the world. It’s a terrible place but I don’t want to lose faith in it - that there is good somewhere. I just keep getting caught up in the bad. I almost want to give up. I feel scared.