#06272016

didn't think i'd hate myself as much as i do right now, guess anything is possible

I can’t believe all these years how wrong I was about what strength really is. All these years I didn’t want to be weak I was always the person picked 1st or 2nd. Always the person that people can confide in. Always the tallest. Always the strongest. Always the person that was NEVER SICk. NEVER CRIED about anything because I thought those things equated to WEAKNESSES. I always correlated myself with hypermasculinity; never doing feminine things and was always competetive because I didn’t want to be seen as /one of those girls/. It’s been all these years and it’s like I’m too stubborn to change. I keep being told that people don’t know what I’m thinking, or that they don’t expect EMOTIONS out of me. I can’t portray emotions anymore because I’ve held myself back from showing emotions all these years. When I’m sick I tell people I’m not to not be seen as weak but I’m the most mentally ill person I know. I DONT PLAY SPORTS ANYMORE I CAN BARELY LEAVE MY ROOM. My social skills and my personality don’t correlate or intertwine anymore. I’m NOT happy anymore. People want the old me back but I don’t know where she is. She’s someone that can’t be reached. It used to be so simple when I was younger to avoid all my problems but now I don’t know how to solve them. Who an help me? I’ve ask god for help but does he want me to take the first step? My heart is breaking. I don’t know what to do and the thing that kills me the most is that I can’t change can I? I’ve been like this for years can pills change it? Which pill. ONE kind of pill can change it all but which one can change it for good? I just want to go get a job, speak to people I love, just talk to people! I pray every night for change but I think it’s my fault for not believing in myself. I wonder if people are praying for me…. What if it all goes to waste if I kill myself? I can’t imagine living a life like this for more YEARS. How do people do it. should I go to therapy. Will my mom believe me if I said that I’m falling apart I don’t know where to turn anymore. Crying isn’t weak it’s brave to do in front of others. You can be strong in other aspects like emotions, or your favorite hobbys or your favorite subject. Don’t build a wall sound yourself to protect yourself from your problems THATS WEAK don’t abandon people you don’t watlnt to confront THAT’S WEAK don’t leave yourself to suffer in the future THATS WEAK.